I'd like to write a post on what I think will be, or should be BIG in 2005. You know, like Entertainment Weekly or Time or Black Tail does at the begining of each year. I do have a degree from the Manshit School of Ass Cum-munications. I thought I should put it to good use seeing as how I spent 25 thousand dollars on a degree that is pretty much worthless upon graduation. Thanks for the memories, and the debt LSU. Anyway, back to the BIG in 2005 list.

#1 : Presidential Assassinations
I predict assassinating the president will make a big come back in 2005. It's long over due, and just like fashion, everything comes back around in 20 years or so. We haven't had an assassination attempt since Reagan, and even that one was a failed attempt. You would think with all the crazy people in the world....geez, fuck that, you would think with all the crazy people in my neighborhood someone would want to impress Jodie Foster again by shooting the president. Also, I heard through the grape vine that Jodie Foster really gets wet at the thought of both the president and vice-president being assassinated together. She's just kinky that way.

#2 : Bigotry
We're the generation that grew up in the age of Political Correctness, and it sucks. I'm so jealous of our parents and our grandparents generation. Their's was a time when hate speech was not only tolerated, but smiled upon. A time when you knew words and phrases like 'spear-chucker', 'jungle bunny', 'wet-back', 'niggar and/or negro', 'spick', 'slaint-eyed bastard' or 'faggot' etc. not only drew laughter but also admiration from your peers. Look, I'm not saying we'll be able to reverse the harmful effects of Political Correctness in one year, but we can at least start laying down the foundation and roots of hate so that bigotry can one day be acceptable again. I have a dream that one day my son can look upon an interracial couple and yell out "Niggar Lover" in a crowded room without being chastised.

#3 : Hot Chicks Having Sex With Guys Named Neal
This one was also on my BIG in 2004 list. It never really caught on this past year.

#4 : Shitty Music
Look, honestly, the first 3 things on my list probably won't be BIG in 2005 (even though they should be, especially #3), but one thing you can always count on is that the masses will listen to and love shitty music. In fact, I'll go on record saying in the immortal words of Justin Wilson "I guaranty you'll hear plenty of shitty music in 2005." (Also, be prepared for a lot of shitty movies and television, too)

#5 : Development of a Healthy Cigarette
All this anti-smoking bullshit is ridiculous. This country was founded on tobacco. Bottom line, smoking makes you look cool. End of story. I don't understand why the tobacco industry can't invent a cigarette that's good for you. While they're at it, make cigarettes that give off an appealing odor such as lemon, or pine, or freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. How awesome would it be to come home from a smokey bar smelling like blueberries or the interior of a new car. Get to work Philip-Morris.

So there you have it. My list of things that will be, or should be BIG in 2005.

(note to future employeers who might read this : The comments made in #1 and #2 are sarcasm and satirical wit. You know, like Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal. He didn't really think people should eat babies in order to solve the overpopulation problem. Of course, you would have know this unless you are a complete fucking idiot in which case I don't want to work for your stupid, fucked up company anyway).

Happy Holidays