I fucked up in a pretty big way Monday night that severely delayed the classified section getting to the press on Tuesday. It was a stupid mistake that could have been easily prevented, had I just checked what I was about to do with someone else. Everything was going very smoothly Tuesday morning until someone inquired about a missing full page of ads. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! That's what I fucking deleted! It wasn't an overbooking in the research section -- it was something altogether different! And I knew something was funny about it, so why didn't I just check with Leslie? IDIOT, IDIOT, IDIOT! Needless to say, I was pretty embarrassed. And though I was able to go back and fix my mistake in a relatively short amount of time, we were still much later going to press than usual. We have Wednesdays off, but I dreaded hearing the talk I would most likely have with my boss on Thursday. But by 5pm Thursday, my boss hadn't said a word to me, so I left work relieved.
I felt good walking to work yesterday morning, and I had plenty of spring in my step. But as soon as I set my coffee on my desk, I heard it. "Can I have a word with you?"
I think that fuck-up was just the icing on the cake, though. I think the bigger reason I was probably fired is that the other classified guy was picking up my slack way too often, and if he was ever taking time off on a very busy day, I would be very overwhelmed. I just can't stay focused on what I'm doing, and it's not just at work. It scares me. A few people have recommended accupuncture to treat this problem -- I guess I'll try it. All the coffee in the world couldn't save me. Any time I see the words "really crank it out" in a job listing, I'm immediately skipping over it. I'm trying to be positive about it. Graphic designers for alt weeklies are notoriously underpaid, and I know that if I get just standard pay for what I do, I'll be making about $15,000 on top of what I was making before, so that's something I can look forward to. But job opportunities in Baltimore, for most professionals, are perpetually scarce, and I don't look forward to commuting to DC five days a week, if it comes to that. And then there's the competence issue. How will I convince employers that I'm a great person for the job if I can't even convince myself? If I'm lucky enough to find a job that allows me to do really thoughtful design and go at my own speed, then I'll probably enjoy the work. All I can do is look and hope.
