I was walking down MLK Boulevard, feeling faintly queasy when a car pulled up to me. My heart jumped, but then I was instantly relieved to see Kate and Alice in the car, tipsy and smiling. "What is up!" they squealed. I managed to say "hi..", and I opened the back door and stepped into the car.
"What the hell happened to you?" Kate asked.
"Hold on.." I said. I leaned forward and rested my head against the seat and closed my eyes for a second. I sat up and exhaled, rolled down the window and lit a cigarette.
I had started this awkward silence. They were having fun until I got in here and made things awkward.
"Are you smoking a menthol?" Kate observed incredulously. "I didn't know you smoke menthols, what the hell?"
"I don't.." I said. "I mean, I guess I do. But I don't"
I paused and sighed, then opened up and killed the silence.
"...I went out to the gay bar and some lesbians gave me some ecstasy. For a long time we all hung out there drinking and being weird and affectionate. But I just didn't feel right. We went and did some blow in the bathroom and this girl Laura, who has a lip piercing and pretty eyes but I don't like her short haircut.. I like girly looking girls. I mean, I don't really even like girls. So this girl Laura was like.. reaching up my skirt and fingering me in the bathroom and I was thinking 'I have to get out of here, this is so gross' but I guess maybe I liked it. I was just starting to feel weird like I was in a bad dream or a movie, so I was like, 'let's get another drink' and she was trying to kiss me and I just dodged it and went out into the bar. I grabbed my bag and I just walked out the door. I just left."
"Damn!," Alice said, shaking her head. I lit up another menthol cigarette. Yeah, they're gross. I heard they make you cough up blood. Alice was about to say something else but I continued. "My heart started racing so fast. I thought I was gonna die. Or get arrested. I tried to keep walking down alleys in case some cops saw me. I was afraid cops would see me. But then I was afraid of the alleys.. you know, people in the alleys. And dying. My heart was going to explode, I thought.
Next thing I knew I was at Eddie's. I was scared to walk in.. I felt like I looked weird or people could tell I was about to die. But finally I went in and ordered a drink. I saw some people looking at me. I drank a beer there. Some guy was sitting next to me and he asked me if I was okay. He looked like he might be cool, so I asked him if he knew where I could get some downers and he actually did tell me there was this guy there. There was this guy there sitting at a table in the far corner, and he was surrounded by people but he actually looked over at me.. I went up to him and nervously I said something like, 'I need to calm down, you know? I need to take the edge off...'
He whispered this price list at me. He totally had Xanax and he had painkillers but I thought maybe the Xanax would be cool because that stuff is for anxiety and stuff, and I was feeling pretty anxious right?
Except I didn't have enough money. I didn't even have ten dollars to buy a few Xanaxes.. but I felt like I was gonna die.
So the guy.. he asked if I would blow him! Seriously. I felt sick in my stomach and I felt like I was sweaty and gross but I said, 'I can jerk you off...' and he thought about it for a minute and he was like 'ok.'
We went in the bathroom and I was thinking about how weird it was that I was in another bathroom with another gross person tonight, and I really just wanted to stop feeling like this and go home and be by myself or just sleep until I turn into a normal person again. But I was jerking this guy off..."
"Oh my god!," Alice said. "Oh my god, I'm sorry, but.. that's fucking disgusting. Are you serious?" Kate just silently looked at me with pity.
"It's just my hand," I replied. "It's not like I was penetrated or something, I was just touching his dick with my hand.. It was over pretty fast and he basically came in his pants and handed over the pills.
He was wiping his jizz off his pants while I leaned over the sink and drank from the faucet, and took my Klonopin.. or Xanax, whatever. I just wanted to get out of there but then he grabbed me. He grabbed me around the chest and touched my tits and I freaked out. I shoved him away and yelled at him, then I realized how drunk he was, he looked fucked up, like a junkie even. But.. I jerked him off so I don't know. I don't know. I was freaked out and I pushed him down then grabbed his jacket and I ran out the bathroom door. I went out the fire door in the back. The alarm didn't go off though. Oh my god.. if the alarm went off.. I don't know. But it didn't.
I ran all through the neighborhood until I found this alley and I hid in this yard, freaked out. They never came for me. Or he didn't, I expected all these thugs to chase me or something.
I thought about the handjob and I washed my hand off in this water that was dripping out of a gutter."
Alice and Kate laughed out loud.
"When I realized it was almost 3, and the bars were going to let out soon, that's when I started walking home.
So I have his jacket and it has these menthol cigarettes and some coke and a few more pills. He assaulted me. This stuff is mine. I want to go home.."
"Can you just sleep on my couch for now?," Alice asked. "I'll take you home tomorrow."
"Yeah," I sighed. "That's cool. A few hours ago.. I thought I was going to die."
I looked out the window at the night sky, just a faint glow of orange-pink on the horizon.
"I still think I'm going to die," I muttered. "But now I'm calm about it."

Killoggs, meet Lucas. He's 3 days old today. In the hospital he got his first pejorative nickname, "Lucas Mucus", because he's a snotty little baby.

Mommy is kind of traumatized, but in awe and thrilled. Daddy is smitten. Baby is alternately sleeping, pooping, or sucking.

When I get a little more time I will post in my journal about everything we went through. But for now, suffice it to say that the pain is worth it, and all that matters is that this beautiful new person is here, healthy, and happy. Gotta go - I'm leaking milk.