* 3:47 am *
Sitting in my office space at the City Paper listening to music really loud. I just finished filing away the last 6th months of original Dirtfarm art into large envelopes. It's really kind of incredible how much of it there is. I have no idea what to do with it all. Kind of makes me feel like a crazy person.
It's weird to be here.
And to still be here.
I've been on a half assed day / night schedule lately (last couple months), and it's driven me kinda normal (and fat & lazy). I miss the crazy. I really want to get back to the all night shift I used to be on and was on for about 10 years. At least for a while. I know I've said this a million times before in previous postings, but I need this time. It's the only time I feel free. Music loud, empty building, computers, scanners, office supplies, copy machines. I'm addicted to all of these things and it's impossible to leave them.
But I just put in my 3 week notice here at the paper. I've been here for 6 1/2 years. I asked if I could stay on Thursday nights - doing web updates (mainly cos I can't bear the thought of totally losing access to this room just yet). It's my babyland, my playroom, my bike shed, my skateboard, my railroad tracks, my van, my student media building, my crackhead lounge, my guitar, my rock, my dirtfarm basement... It's one of the last places I've got that feels really special to me (although in my head all of them are stored somewhat somewhere). This room is where I've spent the night every Tuesday night for the last 2 years (I sleep here on a couch these days). It's where I first met Buzz, Kim & Jason, and where I first got myself published in anything that was much much larger than myself (unless you count killoggs).
And like everything, it will all soon be over.
And also like everything, it should have happened a long time ago. In my head I keep counting the steps I need to replace this room. Scanner, computer, copy machine, printer, office supplies, light table, shelves...
There really is no "replacing" this room though. There's no replacing anything ever. You just have to keep moving forward and take as much as you can with you.
And I always take way too much with me (which makes things both possible and impossible all at once).
I spend a lot of time missing people.
Family, friends, ex-girlfriends...
Yeah, especially them... There's nothing quite like ending a relationship with someone you care about deeply, knowing you will never be able to communicate with them in the same way you once did. It sticks with you forever. And if they never talk to you again you wonder what they're up to and you picture what they're doing and think back on them and hope they are happy and can only remember them in the best light (or at least I do). Not that I necessarily want them back in my life like they once were. More than anything I'd just like to say hello, find out what they're up to, or tell them that I'm sorry one last time.
My mom was in town all last weekend. It was good to see her. She hadn't been up this way in close to 2 years. A lot has happened in 2 years. And the older I get, the less time I have for things. And the more I get stuck in the processes and systems of things, the less time I allow myself to say hello, and to tell people what I'm up to, and to make sure people know I still care about them.
And the world is pretty fucked up these days, eh?
On the way home from the beach last weekend I hurt my neck real bad counting satellites in a star filled sky while traveling at high speeds in the back of a Jeep with the top down. Stars are pretty cool, but satellites are more interesting cos they move real fast, make a lot of crazy things possible, and are somewhat irresponsible (like anything that seems cool). I also saw one shooting star though, and it was cooler than either.
And Kara showed me a little crab town. There was this little crab Sim City on the side of a stinky little bog filled with crap. And the crabs had one claw that was bigger than the other. They were digging little holes to live in and it looked like the larger ones were conducting the whole operation (but they were actually just trying to attract females to their stinky holes like everyone else). They were
fiddler crabs. Wikipedia says they only live for 2 years.
People keep talking about wars and homeland invasions and drafts and governments and mortality and death. And after the hurricane happened in New Orleans, I started wondering if I should own a gun. And as far as drafts go, I doubt I know very many people who would agree to go and fight in a foreign war, but I know most would be willing to fight in a homeland war. But I don't think it would work like that. People would freak out and go into Hurricane Katrina / LA Riot mode and would be as big of enemies to each other as any attackers would be. And that's the real fear. And I picture if it ever happened, I'd hope to have a gun and a van full of retarded friends with the same. I can imagine uniting with other retards & attempting to taking over a supermarket or a wal-mart or a suburban town all Road Warrior / 28 Days Later / zombie movie style where we would horde gasoline and firearms.
You know, like some small countries do.
Geez. I guess that would make us terrorists, huh?
But yeah...
The City Paper is fucked. More so than anyone cares to admit I think. They've lost / are in the process of losing everyone who was / is beneficial to them due to hiring bad management and stubbornly sticking to their bad management choices. And for a long time I thought it may be a fixable thing, but it really isn't any more because at this point most of the people who at one point put 100% into this place have been pushed far beyond the point of caring.
You know, kind of like our government has done.
And I'm finally beginning to make steps towards being much better off on my own, and in looking for new adventures. Just need to figure out what kind of guns I need, where my friends are, what to take with me, and where to go next...
Kinda bummed about missing Comicon this weekend (for the second year in a row). Me and Kim just bought tickets to Florida though cos one of her best friends just moved there.
I'm totally going to Disney World...
