Sorry I'm not a good enough internet chef to bake a completely different cake...

This opinion article ran in the SF Chronicle today. Or at least, it was on the website.
Maybe they drew the line at including this much smut in the print version?

Windows Gives No Tongue
Reminder: Microsoft's bloated OS is truly terrible in the sack.
But a Mac will make you moan.

It has those beady little eyes. It has that seedy come-hither stare. It has overstretched pleather pants and million-dollar gold caps over stained teeth, through which glides that famously shrill voice that seems at once tempting and full of promise and yet also more than a little whiny, deceptive, ill.

"Aww c'mon, baby," Windows pleads, kneeling at the foot of the bed. "This time it'll be different, I promise." It coughs that familiar phlegmy hack, like a busted Dell motherboard scraped over of a lumpy C++ programmer.

More in the responses; seriously, this in NSFW, depending on where you work...