Merry fucking Christmas, bitches. Bend a knee toward the Christ child and harken unto me motherfuckers.
I am fucking drunk.
I was thinking about how drunk I am, and, if there were a pie-chart comparison of how other people spent their lives and how I spend my life, by replacing the time that other people spend in line with drunk, you'd come up with... I don't know. A pie chart of me being drunk.
Here's to a new year!
Here's to girls popping out kids and claiming they're virgins so that they're communities don't stone them to death.
Here's to getting stoned.
Here's to having balls!
This is for having a vagina!
This is for Josh who runs a record label and this fabulous site!
This is for every welcoming vagina that's invites you in!
This if for every penis that's hardened unto your call!
This is for my homies in hotels and trailers, may FEMA give you money!
This is for my niggaz bussed out of New Orleans! Don't come back! Naw, just kidding. No seriously, don't come back, you smell like poor.
This is for my boys overseas! PUNKED! Turns out you're dying for no reason at all! No, really, Merry Christmas! Die for Democracy in Iraq, while it withers here!
This goes out to Phillip Morris! You make a tasty cigarette.
This one's for the ladies. Pussy is awesome.
This one's for the ladies, too. Letting penises fuck your pussy is awesomer! Banging choch is pretty much the end all.
This one's for the homsexuals: god hates you.
This one goes out to Reggie, where's your end of the year list, bitch?
Merry Christmas, KILLOGGS! 6 fucking years of you. Unfucking believable.
11/2 cups flour
1/4 cup cocoa powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
11 tablespoons (1 stick plus 3 tablespoons) unsalted butter, at room temperature, plus additional for the baking sheet
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 teaspoon strong coffee
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 ounces white chocolate, melted
1/4 cup (about 2 ounces) finely crushed peppermint candy
Instructions:
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Butter 2 baking sheets.
Combine the flour, cocoa powder and salt. Set aside.
Beat the butter, sugar, dissolved coffee and vanilla until blended and smooth, about 1 minute. Add the flour mixture, mixing until the flour is incorporated and the dough holds together.
Divide the dough in half and shape each portion into a smooth ball. Place 1 piece of dough between 2 large pieces of wax paper and roll it out to slightly less than 1/4 inch thick. Remove the top piece of wax paper. Using a 2 1/2-inch star cutter, cut out cookies. Slide a thin metal spatula under each cookie to loosen it and place the cookies about 1 inch apart on the prepared baking sheets.
Bake the cookies, 1 sheet at a time until the tops feel firm and look dull rather than shiny, about 15 minutes. Cool the cookies on the baking sheet for 5 minutes, then transfer them to a wire rack to cool. Repeat with the second piece of dough and then press all of the dough scraps together to form a smooth ball. Repeat the rolling and cutting process.
For the icing, dip a fork in the melted white chocolate and drizzle it randomly and generously over the tops of the cooled cookies. Immediately sprinkle with crushed peppermint candy. Let the cookies sit until the chocolate is firm.
