Always remember, your posts are good enough for the front page, too.
Thanks, Josh. Well, you get what you ask for. This is super-boring and personal and doesn't really belong on the front page, but I tried to post it in my journal and this guilty message popped up saying that no one had posted to the front page yet today, and am I SURE that this is really a journal entry? Fine, I'll hang all the dirty laundry in the front fucking yard, what do I care?
Is it possible to grind your mental teeth? That's how it feels.
I'm feeling nasty and unworthy and like it all needs to stop. There is not enough beer in my refrigerator to make these feelings go away. I can't sleep, can't eat, hate work, resent and tolerate my relationship, and generally spend all my free hours drowning my feelings of unfulfillment, inadequacy, guilt, and awkwardness. I am currently using killoggs as a venting box because I'm too lazy to pick up a pen and write this down in a notebook that no one will see but me.
I'm wasting my time at my job. There was a time where I loved it so much that it drove me ... I behaved responsibly because I feared occupational repercussions if I behaved irresponsibly. I felt truly privileged and excited to go do my job, as I felt it was worthwhile and important. I let it teach me discipline and self-confidence.
I don't feel that way anymore.
I'm really scared that I will always, eventually, feel this way about everything. That jobs, relationships, friendships, everything will eventually eclipse my level of interest and engagement. Getting tired of a job is one thing, and it's natural ... getting tired of interpersonal relations is another, especially when someone else's heart is at stake. I feel unequipped to hold someone else's heart and be responsible for its well-being; always I feel as though I'm going to let everyone down, because that's what I always do.
Last night I wasn't turned on, and he was. He went to bed and I stayed up watching TV. After about ten minutes I heard him calling me and I went into the bedroom, where he was masturbating. I thought, "Good!" I dirty-talked him through it and watched him get off and cleaned him up and tucked him in, then went back to watching the Fox Soccer Channel in the living room. Today he tells me that he felt unloved and unrequited because he had to jerk off. I tried to explain to him that his sexuality was not dependent on mine, and he should feel free and guiltless and completely within his rights to pull it whenever he feels it necessary. I do, after all (not that I have anything physical to pull). He says he doesn't want to do it without sharing it with me. So in the discussion of his masturbatory hangups that followed, he says the following sentence:
"So does this mean that I only get laid when you want it?"
Um. Well ...
Yeah, buddy, basically that's exactly what it means. That's what it always means. Do you really want to have sex with me when I don't want it? Because if you do, I'm in the wrong fucking relationship.
I felt really objectified. Not in a good way. Like the relationship isn't worth it to him if he isn't getting pussy on demand. Like I'm a place to stick his dick. That's how I felt. I told him that's how I felt, and he realized how it sounded, and sort of apologized, but I don't think he really understood where I was coming from.
Well, how can you? I'm a pretty irrational girl, and it's not unlikely that I'm overreacting. But it just didn't sit right with me.
I've been having really vivid and very messed up dreams for about a month now. I don't know what cause to attribute this too. Sometimes the dreams have a basis on a concern I have in real life, sometimes they are completely random and unfounded. The latter constituted my dream state last night.
Killoggs had been getting large lately. Lots of cool new people showing up. Many that I have no idea how they really look. I dreamed that every single Killogger was together. And not only were we all together, we were going to explore a dangerous and mystical network of caves together. There was a very real possibility of death but it was also definite that we would see some amazing things on our way to meet said death.
Amanda, Reggie and I were instrumental in finding the entrance to the caves. However, when everyone was arming themselves with the various elaborately decorative weapons around the ... foyer cave, somehow our right to be the first three down was usurped by several blonde Killoggers and Josh. Of course. We also somehow got gyped out of many choice weapons, although I managed to find a very cool solid gold, double-bladed axe decorated with emeralds and saphires.
The first 'room' that we entered was breathtaking. There were thick colored candles all around that never seemed to burn down. Gentley cascading pools of water that held their own different wonderful scenes within them. The second room was even more amazing than the last but Amanda, Reggie and I decided to race ahead of everyone else to take back our head-of-the-line perogative. We were laughing and running and once we got to the amazement that was the fourth room we were suddenly blown off of our feet by a sonic boom from behind. There was a ripple in the air and all of the sudden the laughter and voices of our fellow Killoggers couldn't be heard. We looked at each other from where we had landed on the ground and realized our mistake. Anyone who crosses from the third room into the fourth will be separated by some time-space continuum from anyone who crosses over significantly ahead or behind them. Thus we three were doomed to face the possible death at the end of the tunnels alone and without the support of the rest of the Killoggs army.
We began to get up and suddenly a mystical wind went thundering past us carrying the voices and laughter of the rest of the Killoggers as the blew past us in another dimension on their way to the next room. Completely unaware that the three of us were separated from them.
We realized that our weapons were gone. We thought that perhaps we had dropped them in the first room when we were caught up examining the wonders therein. For some reason, although we could see back the way we had come, we weren't able to back track physically.
Fortunately, there were ornamental weapons in every room. Always solid gold. This time I choose a large knife with a dolphin-shaped handle and a ruby at the hilt. We proceeded cautiously into the next room. We had no idea how far until the fatal final room, all we knew was that something vicious awaited us there that had ripped apart previous, unaware explorers. Upon reaching the next room we saw that our weapons had again, dissapeared. We realized that the weapons must be mystically attached to the room of their origin, never to leave.
From here things get fuzzy. The room that we were now in contained huge ottoman-like chairs which we hid behind for a while thinking we heard something coming. Two people who were also separated from the group met up with us and there was much rejoicing that now we were five instead of three, although we didn't understand how they weren't separated by the dimensional mysticism that separated us from the others.
We prepared to go down a steep slope into a vast darkness that was completely forbidding.... and then I woke up.
Amnesty International appeared to base some of its allegations on detainees, "people who hate America, people that have been trained in some instances to disassemble, that means not tell the truth. So it was an absurd report," Bush said.
Someone, anyone, teach this man how to speak.
***
DISSEMBLE, which he meant to say:
feign: make believe with the intent to deceive; "He feigned that he was ill"; "He shammed a headache"
hide under a false appearance; "He masked his disappointment"
behave unnaturally or affectedly; "She's just acting"
DISASSEMBLE
take apart into its constituent pieces
I'm picturing crazy arab prisoners flailing their arms and running about their pens "Disassemble Koran. Dead. Disassemble Akbar 5. Dead. No disassemble Akbar 5! No disassemble Akbar 5!"
Argue however you want about Amnesty and their report - this is just stupid. And the constant "America is a country that spreads freedom around the world, sometimes you wonder if the guy's bought into his own bullshit - I doubt it. But for the love of christ, shut up. Run a fucking empire, stop sounding like Mickey Mouse at the Wheel of Steamboat Juggernaut.
I just found out today that when Redbeard fixed my broken computer that Photoshop was already on it woo woo I'm back!!!!!
I also found from the recovery of the music and image files from my old computer that when i thought I wiped my hard drive clean i really didn't do a good job it feels like my friend's uncle's moldy porn collection is lurking somewhere in my computer messing up my Celtic Frost MP3s
Thank you again Redbeard for giving me my entire cd collection back (which i had unwisely burned to Real player format and then sold) all the old Medic photos flyers and etc
and giving me the ability to destroy the universe via photoshop
REPTILIAN RECORDS E-LIST :: JUNE 2004
403 S. Broadway, Balt. MD 21231
http://www.reptilianrecords.com
------------CONTENTS------------
INTRODUCTION: Hey, how am I doing?
RECENT RELEASES: Negative Approach, Easy Action, Longmont Potion Castle…
CURRENT PROJECTS: Too much to do!
SCAPEGOAT BOOKS: First book out NOW, Chris X in LA to promote!
TOUR DATES: Easy Action !!!
MYSPACE: We're there, so are some of our friends
----------INTRODUCTION----------
Man, I need a haircut.. So much going on… New CDs, Easy Action on tour, our first book coming out (I will be in L.A. this weekend!)… So here’s an update to fill you in on the hot rock action!
-------RECENT RELEASES---------
Easy Action "Friends of Rock and Roll" BRAND NEW CD and SINGLE! ON TOUR NOW!
http://www.reptilianrecords.com/reptilian/easy.html
New hilarity from LONGMONT POTION CASTLE
Pranks calls that will have you tumbling through ointment one time
http://www.reptilianrecords.com/reptilian/longmont.html
Negative Approach CD and DOUBLE LP
50 tracks of hardcore roots.
CD out now, DOUBLE LP on the way to us- pre-order now for LIMITED
COLORED VINYL
http://www.reptilianrecords.com/reptilian/negative.html
Murder Your Darlings CD
From Ohio, these guys rock. Derek Hess cover art!
http://www.reptilianrecords.com/reptilian/murder.html
Action Swingers remastered 1989 debut CD REP083
Classic NYC punk/noise featuring members of Pussy Galore, Unsane,
Sonic Youth and Free Kitten
http://www.reptilianrecords.com/reptilian/action.html
-------CURRENT PROJECTS---------
Coming up-
TRIAC full length CD with Stephen Kasner artwork!
Agoraphobic Nosebleed 7" pic.
NEW FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC CDep in August!
CLOCKCLEANER seven inch
CDep from locals FASCIST FASCIST
New stuff on our site from Flowers in the Attic, as well as a SUPERSUCKERS import PICTURE DISC!!
------SCAPEGOAT PUBLISHING---------
Well, since I haven't lost enough money putting out records, I've decided to publish books as well. Actually, the reasons are the same as why I started the label; there are bands and artists out there that no one else is paying attention to. There are books I want that don't exist yet. So I gotta do it myself!
Check out the -still in progress- website here-
http://www.scapegoatpublishing.com
Our first book is a collection of art by CARLOS BATTS. You may have seen his photos in Leg World, Vibe, Taboo, and other fetish mags. You are probably familiar with his work on some of our records- Mastodon pic disc, Daybreak pic disc, Pig Destroyer 7" pic disc, Swarm of the Lotus pic disc, Thrall 7" cover, Buzzoven 7" cover, Electric Frankenstein cover, and the Pg.99 Document #5 CD cover!
The book will be out in June, and comes with a CD with tracks by a bunch of the bands I just mentioned!
If you're in LA, come to Clair Obscur Gallery for the opening and book and DVD release party! Carlos will be there and so will Chris X!
June 4th from 7-10pm 4301 Melrose Ave., Hollywood, CA
Book pre-orders being taken now at: http://www.scapegoatpublishing.com
Check out a new interview with Carlos at Blue Blood: http://www.blueblood.net/bb_141.html
We're getting near the completion of CRAZY STREAK, a novel by John Gilmore. It's a Lolita if she were Southern California white trash. Throw in some patricide and kid-touching priests and you've got a slight grip on some of the stops this story. John is known for being an old-school Hollywood figure that has hung out with James Dean and is a central figure in a documentary by Larry Wessel. His books have been published by Feral House, Amok and others.
Some of the initial illustrations have come in for the upcoming BLAG DAHLIA (from the fucking Dwarves) book... that's all I'm letting onto just yet, but it'll be the end of this year, maybe the beginning of next before it sees print.
Circus Parade by Jim Tully is moving forward and is getting shuffled around in the release schedule. It's kind of a pet project of our designer Rev. Slaughter, so he's going to finish it when he's satisfied.
What else is coming up in the "future".. we can tell you about the reprinting of Jim Goad's "Answer Me!: The First Three" and possibly a new book project by him as well.
-------TOUR DATES--------------
EASY ACTION!
06.01.05 Spokane, WA Fat Tuesday's
06.02.05 Portland, OR Dante's
06.03.05 Olympia, WA China Clipper
06.04.05 Seattle, WA Sunset Tavern
06.07.05 San Francisco, CA Hemlock Tavern
06.08.05 Glendale, CA The Scene
06.09.05 Hollywood, CA Knitting Factory
06.10.05 Long Beach, CA Alex's Bar
06.11.05 Tucson, AZ Plush
06.12.05 Phoenix, AZ TBA
06.14.05 San Antonio, TX Sanctuary
06.15.05 Denton, TX Rubber Gloves
06.16.05 Houston, TX The Engine Room
06.17.05 Austin, TX Emo's
06.18.05 OK City, OK The Conservatory
06.21.05 Des Moines, IA Hairy Mary's
06.22.05 Minneapolis, MN Triple Rock
06.23.05 Chicago, IL Bottom Lounge
06.24.05 Milwaukee, WI Linnemans
06.25.05 Kalamazoo, MI Kraftbrau Brewery
-------------MYSPACE------------
Okay, though we don't like to admit it in public, Reptilian Records is
on the myspace.com network, but we don't feel that embarrassed because
many of our friends are too. Find us and others here:
