The Hawaiian Po'ouli. Only two females left in the world.

I'm getting bored of life.
I'm getting bored of NYC.
Music doesn't move me that much and people don't inspire me at all.
I guess I was named Jad, because I was destined to be a JADed ass fuck.

So where to now.

I've taken to many trips in my head to go back there,
The world is so fucked up, who wants to travel anywhere now anyway.
Sometimes I thik I should sell all my gear get rid of my apt and go nomad for about a year or two. That has always sounded cleansing to me, yet for some reason, that just makes me think of being broke and stinky. I lived like that at LSU for way too long to go back to that, besides, broke and stinky in the third world means you're fucked.
So travelling out there is not an option either.

Do I go back to academia and research or some kind of recording school?
Maybe, but then I'm stuck againhere and stagnant.

So where to now...

Sometimes I wake up and think; "man I'm lucky, I'm young, I'm cultured, I have a job and I'm in New York Shity - what else could I want?"
I could want to slide a probe in my brain and erase about 5-6 years of the past...oh and while I am at it, I'll go ahead and destroy the part of my brain that controls my desire - material or otherwise...
No, no... that's hard to do...I might damage something else.
So, do I travel within the U.S? ... Maybe, but that's like more of the same.
Maybe to Europe.
Do I go back to baton rouge or my home of Canada? No...I left for a reason, I am not going back...

My only escape is now just a bitter set of broken dreamscapes and memories. I can't even make music without falling asleep... Djing is like...pulling the teeth from the rotten corpse whos festering tissue has oozed and stuck to my memories...
so much for doing music - fuck music - I hate that bitch - Im breaking up with her too.

So where the fuck to now...
No matter where I go, I'm still stuck with me...I guess in 20 years this wont mean much, this ... this feeling of desperation, but in 20 years, if i am still alive, will I just have build more layers of catastrophy onto the hiddeous and deformed foundations of my inner self?? Will I then watch this edifice of human misery come crashing down once more?

so where am i going with this? i dont know....I guess im not

I'd like to apologize to the Gays, the Jews and the Catholics.

...no wait...

I'd like to apologize to Rick and what's his face, Jeff.

We were supposed to go to lunch today.

People called like 6 times.

I slept straight through it.

I swear I'm not avoiding y'all.

I swear I'm not chinese.

I swear on marisa tomei's hairy, cleft pelt that we shall be together for eating one day.

I swear this.

I apologize. But now, now I must go.

hi everyone

i am just writing to let you know that i am still on the planet and playing in nyc. a few weeks ago i met another killoggs-er, michele, at the museum of modern art. we both work in the same department?!? in nov i started a new job there. yay. also i still do a part-time job at an art gallery. weeeeeee . hooray for pretty pictures.

you know what i did today? i got a tooth removed. total party in my mouth for the next six months. i'll even get a fake one put into it's place. i take my tooth troubles to the NYU dental clinic. it promise an educational experience every time for both patient and "doctor". the people there are very nice and the rates are great. these doctors are young, easy to relate to and don't fit the usual stereotype of your average mid-western moustached laughing gas white guy.

my doc and i exchanged cell phone numbers yesterday, because she didn't have time to do the extraction then. so today after working two hours, she calls and says she can see me. then i get on the walkie talkie and say the most embarrasing thing: "hi this is laura managing crowds outside the museum on 53rd street. i am having a dental emergency and need to go because my doctor can see me now. i know this sounds weird, but is is true. can someone come out here and relieve me from my post?"

so that is my story for today. i hope you laugh at me. you don't know how happy i was to get the tooth removed.