You all drunk!??! Ya must be!! It's friking 3:30 in the morning! An tha's just in Chicaaaagooooo! If yer all in the west coast yer reeeeeeely drunk!!! What were YOU doing on Friday night!!!
trying to whack off. It's just, it's my number one priority - shining pipe (my own) - can't think about foodshelterwater until I've stroked one off. But, in my dream, everyone is interfering. For starters, I need ADULT MAGAZINES (in my dream) to achieve orgasm. Like power pellets or triforce or options with double laser I need the magazines in order to defeat gannon with my spewing cock-head in order to rescue the princess from another castle while my ace fighter pilots shoot skywards from the exploding planet-beast.
I need these magazines. I have no shame. I find them on the streets and settle down against buildings to have at it. People are there. People from my past recent and distant. Someone wrestles them away - I MUST HAVE THEM - sweet, St. Christopher give me sucrease, carry my burden across troubled waters.
At one point, some girl who shall remain nameless presents herself to me sexually only her vagina opens toward me the way the egg-pods in aliens unfurl. I push her aside.
Then, I notice an old woman, actually it's arnold's disguise from total recall, she keeps dangling ADULT MAGAZINES before my eyes. But, I can't run fast enough to keep up. She has no teeth.
Finally, she throws them down at her feet. I can begin. But she sits and stares as I begin, once more, to suppress the uprising.
Then, some girl I like walks past, she sits and stares in horror.
And I wake up. I've had this dream and variants 3 times now in a month. I can't look at enough shit-covered asian ladies on scat.com to make it go away.
The fact that there are almost 10x times as many clubs posts as responses is disturbing.
I don't want the clubs to destroy the front page, but I will listen to any suggestions on how to have the clubs and not take away from the front page/main site.
The main site is what is important to me because I use it as a guage of what was going on in my life in the past... I regularly look back to see what was going on 2,3,4 years ago... if nothing is ever posted to the front, that aspect of the site will die for me.
So, yeah - the main page is my priority. Come up with solutions and I'll think about them... otherwise the experiment has come to an end.
It's funny how many well-intentioned people have decided that it's been long enough... and are now actively (and obnoxiously) urging me to get back out there and find me a woman.
I DON'T WANT ANOTHER WOMAN.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying it won't ever happen. I can't foretell the future. And that's likely a Good Thing. (Actually, I have several times foretold the future, and always hated it when I was proved right, but that's a different story for a diferent day.)
I met, fell in love with, married, and spent just over 20 years with my True Love. What could compare to this?
"Oh, the right woman for you will come along."
How insulting can you POSSIBLY be? She already did.
"We need to get you a nice (Christian) woman".
What are you, a PIMP FOR GOD? I don't NEED, nor do I WANT another wife.
I am just now, at 40, learning how to be ME. I was a kid, a family member, a child living at home when Barb and I met. When I moved out on my own, I went from being son/brother to being boyfriend. I moved on to fiancee and husband. Not once in my life - ever - have I just been me.
This isn't to say that I relish the prospect. I *loved* being a husband more than anything, ever.
But now that I'm just me, for the first time in my life, I'd like to see how I manage it. I've made mistakes in the last year and a half. Trust me, I have. And I'm paying for them. But they are MY mistakes. There's no one to blame for these mistakes but me. And as scary and sad as that is, that's what I *need* right now. It's the only way I am ever gonna learn to look forward instead of backward.
Its at a night club, across the street from nation This Saturday August 28th, between 11pm and 2:30am... I will be there at 8:30, to set things up, the lounge will be open, so you could come out early if you're feelin real ambitious! I've worked like crazy to get some stuff together, and I have one awesome new piece in addition to the two I have pictures of on here and a few smaller things... I'm really excited about the designs I've worked up, and I think it'd be well worth it to come check it out!!!
... another note ...
Its a goth club. I'm not a goth girl. By any means. So I'd really appreciate the support of just seeing some fimaliar faces... in a not so fimaliar place.
here's link to the club
www.chiaroscuro-dc.com
56 L Street SE, Capitol Hill
202.488.1200
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go shawty
It's your birthday
We gon' party like it's yo birthday
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday
And you know we don't give a fuck
It's not your birthday!
[Chorus]
You can find me in the club, bottle full of bud
Look mami I got the X if you into taking drugs
I aint into having sex, I ain't into making love
So come give me a hug if you into getting rubbed
You can find me in the club, bottle full of bud
Look mami I got the X if you into taking drugs
I aint into having sex, I ain't into making love
So come give me a hug if you into getting rubbed
[Verse]
When I pull out up front, you see the Benz on dubs
When I roll 20 deep, it's 20 knives in the club
Niggas heard I fuck with Dre, now they wanna show me love
When you sell like Eminem, and the hoes they wanna fuck
But homie ain't nothing change hold down, G's up
I see Xzibit in the Cutt that nigga roll that weed up
If you watch how I move you'll mistake me for a playa or pimp
Been hit wit a few shells but I dont walk wit a limp
In the hood then the ladies saying "50 you hot"
They like me, I want them to love me like they love 'Pac
But holla in New York them niggas'll tell ya im loco
And the plan is to put the rap game in a choke hold
I'm feelin' focused man, my money on my mind
I got a mill out the deal and I'm still on the grind
Now shawty said she feeling my style, she feeling my flow
Her girlfriends wit dey bi and dey ready to go
[Chorus (2x)]
[Bridge]
My flow, my show brought me the doe
That bought me all my fancy things
My crib, my cars, my pools, my jewels
Look nigga i done came up and i ain't change.
[Verse]
And you should love it, way more then you hate it
Nigga you mad? I thought that you'd be happy I made it
I'm that cat by the bar toasting to the good life
You that faggot ass nigga trying to pull me back right?
When my joynt get to knockin in the club it's on
I wink my eye at ya bitch, if she smiles she gone
If the roof on fire, let the motherfucker burn
If you aint talking bout money homie, I ain't concerned
I'm a tell you what Banks told me cuz go 'head switch the style up
If niggas hate then let 'em hate but
Watch the money pile up
Or we go upside there wit a bottle of bub
You know where we fucking be
[Chorus (2x)]
[Talking]
[Laughing] Don't try to act like you ain't know where we been either nigga
In the club all the time nigga, if its a problem pop off
g-unit
Ben (6:56 PM): i realized what a freak i've become about design today
Ben (6:56 PM): i was watching the opening of buffy today and i hated the font so much that i got mad and wanted to leave
Kara (6:57 PM): weirdo
Ben (6:58 PM): damn that font
Ben (6:58 PM): there's just certain fonts that should go away forever
Ben (6:58 PM): like SAND
Kara (6:58 PM): what is it
Ben (6:58 PM): i forget the name of it cos i hate it that much
Kara (6:59 PM): after this conversation i am never going to show you anything i do ever again
Ben (6:59 PM): it doesn't even match the buffy logo
Ben (6:59 PM): hahahahah
Kara (7:01 PM): most people are just born mediocre ben.
Ben (7:01 PM): everyone is born mediocre
Kara (7:01 PM): i am one of them. i've come to accept that fact and do my best.
Kara (7:01 PM): whatever, you dont even know
Ben (7:01 PM): some people learn faster than others, but anyone can learn anything
Ben (7:02 PM): getting the confidence is the hardest thing
Kara (7:02 PM): why do you think all these girls (and guys) like to be around you. its because you're not mediocre and everyone hopes a bit of your creativity will rub off on them
Kara (7:02 PM): thats not true, people can get the confidence. I've had it in the past but Its never made anything I've done as good as some people could do offhandedly
Kara (7:03 PM): its just so
Kara (7:04 PM): the acceptance of the fact is more important than false confidence
Kara (7:04 PM): because at least then you can start trying and stop wishing
Josh (7:03 PM):you were shitty at drawing 5 years ago
Ben (7:03 PM):i know!
Josh (7:03 PM):seriously you really sucked
Josh (7:04 PM):you just have to keep at it and you get to be awesome
Kara (7:05 PM): its still true, what I'm saying, to a large extent though
Kara (7:05 PM): josh or I will never be good at drawing
Ben (7:06 PM): only cos you tell yourself that!
Ben (7:06 PM): it's not like i picked up a guitar and started to play it
Kara (7:07 PM): yeah but youre clever in the first place
Kara (7:07 PM): most people are not creative &/ or clever
Kara (7:08 PM): i can be, you know, i'm on some mood medication right now, and if I ever can figure out a job that doesnt require regular hours, I'll stop taking it and start writing and thinking again
Ben (7:08 PM): it's weird. you start with confidence. you keep doing something even if you suck at it, you eventually get better, and other things start to get easier, but then if you stop for a while you start to suck at it again
Ben (7:08 PM): clever is different i guess
Kara (7:08 PM): exactly
Ben (7:09 PM): but it's relative
Kara (7:09 PM): and its important if you want to be an artist or musician or something
Ben (7:09 PM): not everyone thinks my stuff is clever
Ben (7:10 PM): some people like disney a whole lot
Ben (7:10 PM): and pearl jam
Kara (7:11 PM): i hate both of those things so much. but still, even if your tastes are different it doesnt mean youre good at what your tastes are
Josh (7:10 PM):clever is definitely relative
Josh (7:11 PM):and it goes if you dont use it
Ben (7:11 PM):so is funny, intelligent, annoying...
Josh (7:11 PM):i think i used to be more clever, when i had more time to just think of shit
Kara (7:12 PM): oh well this debate makes me sad, i basically try not to think about it anymore, and just try to do things whether I can be good at them or not
Josh (7:12 PM):when i was in college i used to have ideas for art all day long, too many to do
Josh (7:12 PM):now not so much.. mainly because im not doing it
Ben (7:12 PM): i drive myself CRAZY with them!
Ben (7:13 PM): i suck at a lot of things tho
Ben (7:13 PM): but i want to get better at them!
Kara (7:13 PM): yeah well thats what i'm saying
Kara (7:13 PM): i'm trying to get better
Kara (7:14 PM): but I know I will never impress anyone away with anything I do really, and i try not to care
Ben (7:14 PM): i can't dance. i can't write lyrics for shit. i'm not the best singer in the world
Ben (7:14 PM): don't you see that that statement is why tho??
Ben (7:14 PM): UGH!
Kara (7:16 PM): yeah but the thing with me is that statement is learned. i spent a lot of time thinking I was talented and destined for greatness and not working like normal people
Kara (7:16 PM): my mind used to think faster
Kara (7:17 PM): it dont matter none, dont want to think about it. i might get inspired eventually. for now its beaded shirts and practicing guitar and making collages
Ben (7:17 PM): that's all you can do!
Kara (7:18 PM): well thats what i'm doin
Ben (7:18 PM): just love what you do and nothing else matters
Kara (7:18 PM): i guess
Kara (7:18 PM): ive lost a lot of my self esteem in the past 2 years, it might come back eventually or it might just be adulthood
Ben (7:19 PM): self esteem can only truly come from yourself
Kara (7:19 PM): oh jeez
Josh (7:19 PM): the thing is kara accomplished shit that i couldnt do and did it fucking well she just thinks that she is bad at things
Josh (7:19 PM): she sold out the ottobat twice
Josh (7:19 PM): i cant organize a show that could do that
Josh (7:19 PM): she had those two shows and made money for everyone concerned
Josh (7:19 PM): when i organize a show i barely break even
Josh (7:20 PM): theres no way i could walk away from a show with 100s in my pocket like she managed to do
Kara (7:19 PM):i couldnt do that today
Ben (7:20 PM):only cos you have agreed to that
Kara (7:21 PM): because i dont care anymore
Ben (7:21 PM): exactly
Ben (7:22 PM): cos you aren't willing to love what you do any more and just do it for that sole reason
Kara (7:22 PM): yeah well. like i said, maybe at some point i will find something i care about again, or maybe this is my adulthood, thats what I'm sayin. it doesnt matter. i'm in thousands of dollars of debt from the last thing I did... even though I KNEW I would be, it was just kind of the last straw
Ben (7:23 PM): it'll come back
Kara (7:23 PM): i never expected to make back the money, and yet when I send off a huge amount of money every month for what I like to call my "student loan", I feel like I didn't learn the thing that I'd meant to learn
Ben (7:23 PM): money is stupid anyway
Kara (7:23 PM): it is
Kara (7:23 PM): its imaginary
Ben (7:24 PM): i'm thousands of dollars in debt for painting trains, taking out a student loan and moving to santa cruz with it...
Ben (7:24 PM): and that was nearly 10 years ago!
Ben (7:24 PM): fuck it
Ben (7:24 PM): it was fucking fun
Kara (7:24 PM): seriously, i dont like to have this discussion because it makes me wonder why I feel this way, and I need to not think about it and just wait for it to pass. maybe find a new job, maybe have no job, maybe get a boyfriend, maybe have an epiphany
Kara (7:24 PM): maybe move somewhere
Ben (7:24 PM): it's the same funk i get in
Kara (7:25 PM): i need to give out the magazines for free.. thats a huge step, but I cant afford to mail them to the places they need to be
Ben (7:25 PM): it's necessary to post it
Kara (7:25 PM): post what
Ben (7:25 PM): this conversation
Kara (7:25 PM): haha ok
Kara (7:26 PM): i keep wondering if i ask people to pay postage to put them in stores, or sell them at the price they want to make back postage, if anyone on earth would do that
Ben (7:26 PM): it's weird tho. yer sad cos you have the weight of all of these things on you. you can't tell yourself to detach and not care so you're just stuck in the middle
Kara (7:26 PM): or if the people who bought them for 5 dollars would get mad
Ben (7:26 PM): people that have paid for stuff have paid for stuff and that is that
Kara (7:26 PM): chris x helped me a lot. being around someone productive and diy helps a lot
Ben (7:27 PM): it does
Ben (7:27 PM): i sooooo want to meet someone who inspires me
Kara (7:28 PM): you should probably move
Kara (7:32 PM): everyone i meet in DC lately bores me
Ben (7:33 PM): a lot of people bore me, but i try to bring out the fun in everyone. everyone has the capacity for being completely and totally interesting.
Kara (7:33 PM): but they think they're really interesting and wild
Ben (7:33 PM): it's the people outside of our friend groups that really interest me
Ben (7:33 PM): the people i'm not supposed to talk to
Kara (7:34 PM): the thing when I was getting my car window fixed was great
Kara (7:34 PM): and made me wish i could take off work and sit outside all day and not be so shy
Kara (7:34 PM): not supposed to talk to in what way
Ben (7:34 PM): everyone rules. it's the limitations we put on who we meet that fuck everything up
Ben (7:35 PM): i mean the rest of the breakfast club
i went to canada yesterday to see hero. the movie was ok, but i am still undecided about the country to our north. they are losing a lot of points because of traffic jams. bad traffic is an automatic minimum 5-point deduction. crossing the border sucks too. this may become easier in the future when i no longer have a new york license plate and louisiana insurance coupled with a washington drivers license.
canadians seem nice enough though. and they have gelatto shops and noodle shops everywhere.
i have been picking blackberries lately too. tom robbins was not exaggerating in "still life" when he discussed the blackberry situation in the northwest. my fingertips are dyed blue-black and sweet when i return from my afternoon bike ride/harvests.
is there anyone on killoggs that can explain to me what is involved in fishing for salmon?
