The the and me...

And have you ever wanted something so badly
that it possessed your body & your soul
through the night & through the day
until you finally get it!
And then you realise that it wasn't what you wanted after all.
And then those selfsame sickly little thoughts
now go & attach themselves to something....
....or somebody....new!
And the whole goddamn thing starts all over again.
Well, I've been crushing the symptoms but I can't locate the
cause.
Could God really be so cruel?
To give us feelings that could never be fulfilled. Baby!
I've got my sights set on you. I've got my sight set on you
And someday, someday, someday, you'll come my way.
But when you put your arms around me
I'll be looking over your shoulder for something new
'cause I ain't ever found peace upon the breast of a girl
I ain't ever found peace with the religion of the world
I ain't ever found peace at the bottom of a glass
sometimes it seems the more I ask for the less I receive
sometimes it seems the more I ask for the less I receive
The only true freedom is freedom from the heart's desires
& the only true happiness....this way lies.

I was thinking of a memory yesterday, and then I realized that it had taken place almost precisely a year ago.
I grazed through some of my old diaries. In 1996, the last page of my diary was July 7th or so.
I was in Ocean City. I wrote:

"Tonight Erica and I are going to the Boardwalk. Hopefully I'll find some adventures. I want my next diary to be rated XXX. I won't settle for NC-17. I'm no Elizabeth Berkley."

I will not cut off my branch just because you want to play baseball! Birds live there! I need my leaves to SURVIVE! They are not just decorations for you to muse over! You want to carve the initials of you and your lover into my bark? FUCK YOU. My fruit is for propagating my seeds, not for your SALAD! You need shade? Get a hat and some sunscreen! You want to swing? Go to a chat room like the rest of the freaks! You need wood for your house? Get a job and pay rent for a lonely studio apartment, you freakin mooch. And when you are old and tired and you need a place to sit, you expect me to let you cut me down for a stoop? Sit your ass in the grass; I don't care if you can't get up. And pick up that kleenex when you leave. Get a fucking root.