i know it is only the beginning of february, but already i'm annoyed by the barrage of red and pink themed catalogs and window displays. i should preface this with the fact that at my request, my gentleman companion & i don't do the saccharine valentine's day dance. i'd prefer someone be romantic of their own volition instead of hallmark's. preprinted cards, and candy, and jewelry, and lingerie with crappy red & black lace, usually seem so impersonal and unimaginative.

so i started thinking about gifts i'd like to get. ones that would seems especially thoughtful to me.

the first thing i thought of, instead of boxes of chocolates, stock my cupboard with boxes of tampons, like a year supply. i never seem to have one when i need one, and it is always the coldest darkest rainiest nights. or the mornings before work when i'm already late and have an important meeting. so i hunt through pants pockets and sock drawers and the bottoms of purses looking for the one remaining crushed and partially unwrapped one. or i'm left dragging out to the only store left open which, of course, doesn't carry my prefered brand. or i have to improvise with other household implements. which is never pretty. show me you love me every 28 days, don't buy me roses, buy me tampons.

i'm a hopeless romantic, i know. just like prince charles and camilla.

so, what do you really want from your love?

it has been stupidly hot here. the kind of miserable hot which is just fine if you live in a place where it gets hot like this all the time. the kind of place where the indoors is air conditioned. honestly, if i wanted to deal with weather like this i would have just stayed in louisiana where the rent is cheaper. so, what is the smart thing to do on a record breakingly hot summer day in seattle?

i don't know, cause instead i spent it all repainting my home to make it more appealing to some mysteriously bland potential buyers, who would be offended by actual colors on the walls.highly offensive colors, like the lovely reds and blues i had. however, the paint chips lied like they always do. so the walls are a brighter yellow than they were meant to be, and the doors are too light of a beige. and it feels like i'm living inside of a lemon cream pie. which if i was going to choose a pie to live in, let me tell you it wouldn't be lemon cream. but i'm not repainting it. and i'm not taking down the upside down cross, the large nudes, or the autographed picture of jesus. dammit.

worst of all, my gold lame' curtains no longer match the living room.

next place i live better be 70 degrees and overcast at all times.

(p.s. if i were going to choose a pie to live in, it would be berry pie. or cherry pie. oh yeah.)

this weekend among the festivities, i saw a man wearing my dress.
not a dress like a dress that i have, but rather, a dress that used to be mine. long and black with big orange flowers and flowing split chiffon sleeves.
i told him about how it used to be mine. he told me about how he bought it for a dollar. it didn't occur to me until too late to take a picture with him.

i also rode a mechanical bull.
i stayed on for kind of a long time.

The Sea-Gull and the Ea-Gull

Music- Vernon Duke
Lyrics- Ogden Nash

A sea-gull met an ea-gull
In an ea-gloo way up North.
The sea-gull eyed the ea-gull
And the following words came forth:

I’m a sea-gull, you’re an ea-gull
You are re-gull, like a king,
You are royal like Standard Oyal,
So how about a royal fling?

I’m a sea-gull, you’re an ea-gull
It’s ille-gull, but sublime.
I’m a she-gull, without a he-gull
So why are we wasting time?

Said the sea-gull to the ea-gull:
My feathers you can see.
A duck has down, but I got no down,
You can never get down off me.

If the wee gull is half an ea-gull
Don’t imagine that I will fret,
Once I had one by a bea-gull
And I haven’t stopped laughing yet.

Said the ea-gull to the sea-gull
As he doffed his re-gull crown:
You’re a bad bird, you’re a bad, bad bird,
But you’re the only bird in town.


hearing an obvoiusly operatically trained singer, sing really dated slang is kind of weird

the french fry poboy met beans on toast, they fell in love & mated

Obtain
1 large loaf of bread you like, capable of holding a lot of stuff
1 can of a brand of baked beans you like (given options here choose one that tastes less bar-b-quey)
bacon
frozen french fries
paprika
onions

Prepare
heat your bread
fry your bacon
bake your french fries after sprinkling librally with paprika
fry your onions in the hot bacon fat
heat your beans

Construct
Slice open your loaf of bread. The V slice method works well because it leaves enough bread on the bottom and sides to avoid structural collapse of the sandwich and avoids the subduction quake of precious sandwich contents which becomes inevitable if you simply bisect the bread.

Line the bottom of the V with a single line of french fries.

Next you have two construction options:
The Lifeboat
or
The Basketball Floor (pictured above)

For the Lifeboat, continue to line the V of your bread with a side by side layer of french fries perpendicular to the original french fries. This should result in the french fries looking like the skeleton of a simple dinghy. Then proceed with bean application, onion application, bacon, and the bread topper to the sandwich.


For the Basketball Floor, directly after applying the single line of french fries in the V of the bread, begin applying the beans. You may want to spoon the beans onto the sandwich using a slotted spoon, so as not to make the bottom too soggy. Additional sauce may be added to the top of the sandwich if desired at the end. Fill the sandwich 2/3. Add a layer of fried onions.
On top of the beans & onions, begin applying the french fries staggered and side by side, parallel with the lenghth of the bread, simulating the plank pattern used on basketball court. Top with bacon. If desired, spoon additional sauce from baked beans onto bacon. Add top piece of bread.

Enjoy
Eat; remain immobile.

INGREDIENTS
artichoke(s)
breadcrumbs
one egg per artichoke
parmasean cheese (green can ok)
parmasean or romano cheese (not canned please!)
golden raisins
pine nuts
crushed garlic
olive oil
bacon fat or anchovy paste or extra olive oil
one lemon per artichoke

PREPARE ARTICHOKE(s)
trim thorns from leaves with scissors
steam each artichoke until bright green
dunk in cold water to stop cooking
using your fingers to hold the center leaves of the artichoke open, use a spoon to gently scoop out the spiny “choke” leaving the “heart” intact.
use water to rinse the center of the artichoke of all spiny choke debris
place artichokes upside down to drain excess water

PREPARE STUFFING
add to bowl and mix:
breadcrumbs of any sort (if purchasing them in a can, i buy the italian seasoned ones. one large can will usually be enough for 4 small artichokes. loosely cubed stale french bread will also work if you add your own desired seasonings like parsley, oregano, sage, salt, pepper)
add about one scrambled egg per artichoke
parmasean cheese (this is one of the only recipes where i’ll use the stuff in the green can. but use a LOT of it)
golden raisins
pine nuts
crushed garlic (optional)
olive oil
bacon fat/ anchovy paste/ more olive oil (optional)
mix together until a loose moist consistency is formed. it should still feel somewhat crumbly. you don’t want it to be doughy paste.

STUFF IT
beginning with the outer layers of the artichoke use a spoon to peel back leaves and force stuffing down into the artichoke. proceed around the artichoke spiraling upward and inward. when you reach the center leaves, hold them open and pack the center, all the way down to the heart with stuffing. mound the stuffing all the way to the top, level with the tops of the center leaves. when you are finished it should look like a fat flower. drizzle with olive oil. squeeze a lemon over the artichoke. garnish with a lemon slice over the center stuffing mound.

COOK IT
bake in a preheated oven at 400 degrees (F) until breadcrumbs have thoroughly browned.
remove from oven and sprinkle some good cheese (not from the green can here) either parmasean or romano over the leaves. bake again very briefly until the cheese wilts and melts but does not brown.
it is easier to make several of these at once than one at a time. they refrigerate and reheat well in either a microwave or foil covered in an oven or toaster oven.

EAT IT
remove from oven and let cool. eat by pulling leaves and using your teeth to scrape the stuffing and bit of heart from the leaf edge. discard tough part of leaves. eat main portion of the heart and center stuffing with a fork.

has anyone ever tried the Master Cleanser? one of my friends has used this in the past and is going to do it again for 10 days with 10 days of raw foods before and after, and i am considering joining him. perhaps it is the after effects of catholic guilt. i didn't fast once during this lent and in fact didn't even realize easter is this sunday, until i got candy in the mail from my mom.
i've read ancedotal studies which mention periodic fasting as ways to improve health and lengthen life but i'm not especially interested in that or in losing weight. i am more interested in reports that it helped or eliminated allergies. mine have gotten progressively worse and i'm not too thrilled with an inhaler as the only solution offered by my doctors.
i've never been on a diet before and i'm kind of leery of this being a gateway drug to eating disorders or something. i'm also sort of afraid of the explosive and descriptive terms i've heard regarding some of the "detoxifying" side effects. i wouldn't plan on continuing a raw foods lifestyle cause i like food too much for both sensual and the social pleasures.
anybody have any experience with this? any thoughts?

in the event that homosexual marriages become legal in washington via court challenges, i’ve already begun preparing. i got ordained by the universal life church, which i think should suffice to the law as “any minister or priest of any church or religious denomination.” the irs seems to recognize the universal life church, and it is one of the few i could find that doesn’t have a doctrinal conflict with atheism. secular humanism is another option that i need to research further. my boss has already approved me taking off of work on short notice to go to city hall and perform marriages, should legalization occur and should the county temporarily waive the regular 3 day waiting period on marriage licenses. i’ve started working out templates for short ceremonies but non-new-age-hokey, non-patriarchal, non-religious templates are a bit difficult to come by.

anyone have any direct experience with l a n d m a r k education forums? i spent the jonestown anniversary with a good friend who has joined these things. i'm disappointed in the way i get when my very nice and seemingly intelligent friend decides to become religious. i admit that i tend to be very prejudiced against religion or any kind of groupthink. she does seem to feel like she's deriving benefit from these seminars she's attending. at best it seems like not especially fuzzy, group mentality, psychobabble but actually the thing just screams "cult" to me. there are tons of sites you can google that argue in either direction on this but i'm wondering if any of ya'll have any experience positive or negative with this group.

i rode a motorcyle for the first time ever this weekend.
and i am still in one piece.

Saw May this weekend. It was a bit short on motivation and a fairly predictable plot but the acting was better than average for this type of low budget movie. The "huh?" factor was pretty high, with some disturbing moments which made the character development interesting, if incomplete. Plus May has some pretty cool outfits a la Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas. Recommended video bait for a rainy autum october evening.

I love Dr. Praeger's California Burgers These veggie burgers don't pretend to be anything other than vegetables and they always taste really fresh. Good with marinara on a wheat roll as well as regular hamburger style dressings. I only wish I could find more Dr. Praeger's products to try stocked in a store near me.

This weekend I played The Game a scavenger hunt style game advertised by a mysterious email I received titled "Are You A Player?" The whole process was very mysterious. As I approached the venue there were flyers which had the logo and simply reiterated, "Are you a player?" I nearly cut out when I had to sign a waiver before any further information had been given out. I was kind of afraid that I was being sucked into the casting call for a reality tv show but it ended up being a big urban scavenger hunt of sorts coordinated with several bars. There was a band and a keg at the meetup place as well as other random events. The treasures we had to find and bring back included typical stuff as well as a band member, an eligible bachelor, a fashion model, and Sherman Alexie. I was appointed the warden of the goose egg we had to bring back unharmed. I defended the egg from all drunken advances in spite of the fact that my team forgot me on a street corner with the egg for over an hour. Maybe I'm mommy material after all. Nah.

When the teams returned with their booty (and booties,) bands were assembled from the random musicians assembled by the 10 scavenger hunt teams and there was a battle of the bands. There were people in huge blow up clown and sumo wrestler suits dancing along. Then there was an excruciating dating game with a single straight bachelorette and a gay bachelor trying to pair with the bachelors brought back by the teams. Then there was the street fashion show. By the time all of that had transpired and all the resulting prizes had been awarded to the random people brought in by the game players, to play music or strut their fashionable selves, all the points had been counted. The team that found Sherman Alexie won. It was a bit of a rough ride since this was the first event, but it was mostly fun. I noted while watching inebriated folks run across a fairly busy intersection without a cross walk that they'll probably need to get better insurance to continue but it would be a pretty smart marketing event for singles. I expect similar things to pop up all over soon.

i got an email from one of my friends asking me if i'd seen the last episode of buffy because he thought a drawing on the punching bag looked like one of ben's. then he found comments on the tvtome site which said the same thing:

When I watched the episode I thought it looked like
one of ben's drawings and I toyed with the idea of
asking you. Then when I saw this on the site I
started to feel more like I was right.


tvtome

Scroll all the way to the bottom. Its the fifth item
up.

Anyway, here's the screen capture. What do you think?

ah, new orleans folks absent and present, and those who were passing through this big sleazy crescent city at the same time, i'm so sorry to have missed you. we'll have that scotch another time. we WILL.
i got a chance to participate in the Sikh wedding of a very dear old friend. somehow with the mendhi and the sangeet and the bharat and the bhangra and the swing and the secondline, i danced all the time away, and didn't even get to the shim sham for a final 80s retro.
i'm headed to the airport in the morning but this is what my hand looks like waving goodbye.

i've already spent a good portion of the "spring" this year collecting and piling rocks on the beaches around seattle, so when i saw the preview for Rivers and Tides: Andy Goldsworthy Working with Time, i knew i had to see it. he is a scottish environmental sculptor who creates ephemeral sculptures in nature. the film is ok but the visuals are really stunning, and watching Goldsworthy work and talk about his work is pretty cool, even though i generally hate voice over. he piles rocks, builds things out of flowers and twigs and leaves and tide pools and river currents. words are not the medium for this. see it if you have a chance. it is sort of slow moving though, so if you end up renting it, you may want to use it more as ambient visuals than active watching.

another passtime i've taken up is writing notes upside down and backwards, left handed, and most recently also in spanish. i think this accesses a different portion of my brain.

i've been seing a lot of music lately: Mars Accelerator, Kinski, Wally Shoop, Arab Strap, Bright Eyes, Long Winters, Bettie Seveert, Palo Alto, 4 hurs of Bach around the Clock, Pussy Chop Banana, Euphonison.
i'm going to see M. Ward and Vic Chestnut and the Dirty Three soon.
i'm skipping Cat Power and Crooked Fingers this go round, cause really, there is only so much money in the world, and most of it doesn't belong to me.

the other day, i was walking down the street and jenn pointed.
something on the ground
just outside the lighted circle
next to the lamppost.
it was nearly the same shade as the cement
and at first she thought it was a bird carcass.
upon closer inspection, it was a tiny zombie.
i put him in my pocket.
i danced him on the table at dessert
but still a rigor mortis of gloom overpowered his wan facade.

today i found a companion for my zombie.
a limber turquoise man with bright green scales and 3 orange eyes.
he was waiting in the asphalt gutter, for me to bring him home to his resurrected comrade.

i am not sure what they are saying to each other.
i am not sure what they are saying to me.

will i ever quit hating the holidays?




probably not.

i went to the fundraiser for RockRGrl mostly to see Carrie Akre. she was excellent. the spoken word was, as usual, a mixed bag.

the following weekend also at the sit n spin, a show with tagging satellites, sushirobo, and dear john letters. that was the first show i've been to in quite a while where all the bands were worth seeing.

this weekend is the clif johnston trio, then the rockabilly ball at the tractor tavern, and possibly the pizza place with punk bands.

tonight is a carbo loading dinner with the soccer team and weezie is in town again. no sleep till... well, sometime or another

202-456-1111



in case you want to call.

i fly through the night, tonight to arrive in louisiana tomorrow, saturday morning. i hope that i'm not flying straight into that tropical storm.

the bus was paused in traffic in front of the former gas station, currently in ownership transition. all the signs had been reprimed in bright yellow, ready for the name of the new owner. the parking lot was a freshly painted grid of yellow stripes. all the entrances and exits were cordoned off with yellow tape. inside the enclosure was a pickup truck and a girl in braids, both the color of dust. the truck had a huge tank of some sort and the girl had a bright blue can of beer.

she made eye contact with someone on the bus and leaned out of the passener side window.she grinned making a bulging arm muscle frame the window. she tipped her head up, then took a sip of the beer still in her right hand. she twisted slightly, her body still mostly hidden behind her substantial right arm, in one movement of her left arm, whipped off her halter top and flipped it at the windshield. the light changed and the bus turned the corner.

we went to dinner with marissa and her dad at a sidewalk cafe in my neighborhood. we were at two flimsy round tables pushed together. george had knocked over his second full glass of water today. when the tablecloth had been changed out for a dry one, the candles removed, and water glass refilled, he nestled his glass safely inside the planter of azaleas and ivy next to us. the leaves engulfed it up to the brim. george excused himself from the table for a moment. while he was gone a man walked past us on the sidewalk, then whipped around and leaned over george's chair at marissa and me.
"i bet i can scare you. ..i'm a pirate."
we didn't respond.
"wouldn't it be scary if i cut my arm off right here so i could have a hook?"
he waved his imaginary hook-hand in marissa's face. we didn't look scared enough yet so he leaned in closer.
"AAAARGH!"
(pause) marissa and i look around expectantlyfor the waiter.
he continued to hover. "you're filthy," he said as he pulled George's water out of the plant and drank it all before slamming the glass onto the rickety table.
"know what else is scary?"
(pause) marissa looks decidedly unimpressed.
"SPIDERS!... spiders spiders spiders!"
he was right in marissa's face by now. then he snapped up to attention and whipped down the sidewalk a few steps. he turned around to look at us once more and laughed out loud then continued onward.

marissa said hi to ya'll.

approximately 10 years ago hurricane Andrew was hitting louisiana, on my birthday

almost 3 years ago i moved to seattle

about 8 months ago my wisdom teeth were removed

nearly 3 weeks ago i was in Los Angeles where the Museum of Jurassic Technology was everything that Mr. Wilson's Cabinet of Wonders would lead you to expect, bewildered old ladies included. the DiRT gallery was very cool and i brought home some steve keenes after agonizing over the afghan war rug show. everything i ate was delicious. i experienced a fender bender and there was a hare krishna festival at venice beach, so i think i got a pretty complete LA experience for such a short visit. thanks to everyone who sent suggestions.


two weeks ago i spent a lovely relaxing weekend at the hood canal. it was beautiful. i love living here. baton rouge is the only place i've ever lived where i wasn't convinced that i was living in the best possible place to live.

three days ago i went to a beer festival and decided that beer is not something worth getting snobby about but fruit beers are worth getting excited about.

two days ago was my birthday

exactly seventeen hours ago i was drinking pink champagne

three hours ago i was at the dentist getting laser renovation done to my gums which didn't heal properly from the wisdom teeth removal

in one day marissa will be here to visit

in four days becky and ryan will be here to visit and possibly scope out places to move

in two weeks i'll be in louisiana to go to court and possibly descend on my sister's bridal shower

in three more months i'll be back in louisiana for thanksgiving and my little sister's wedding

anybody need a toaster?

the other day, my microwave, which has travelled far and wide, exploded. the fond memories rushed over me. the time it nearly setting my dorm room on fire and killing me with asphyxiation of toxic fumes when i fell asleep with the little microwave valiantly trying to dry an overdue painted paper mache' art project. it melted chocolate for the original Exam Chocolate Sandwiches(TM). it made the cross country trek twice, once to each coast. it has made terrible noises for years but long have i ignored its moans & cries for help.

on friday, i attempted to use my microwave for an uneventful burrito. initially there was a rushing of air gushing out of a newly broken seal. the customary frightning noises of radioactivity ensued at an increased pitch. before i could rush to unplug it, the entire interior was engulfed in flames. i will not be attempting a repair. next to the serial number on the back, where i had scratched in my liscence code, it left a Do Not Resusitate order.

so i will be getting rid of my broken microwave and my working toaster, both to be replaced by the far superior toaster oven.

call to action (inspired by PrincessBean on nervousness):
i'm going to make a mini-zine of dada poetry. anyone who'd like to participate, let me know.
use tristan tzara's method (below). the only requirement is August. use a newspaper article from August, a chapter from a history book about an August event, an article about Augustus Ceasar, an article about or a letter by someone with an August birthday, an article about summer weather patterns etc.
decorate and record the poem however you like, with or on whatever media you'd like. mail it to me (or email it if you must). only thing is we have a short turn around time, so please send it to me by August 15, 2002. (that gives you one week.) i'll make a mini-book/zine with some color copies for everyone. i'd like to send them out so that you get them back by the end of the month.

*** Tristan Tzara's method of making a Dadist poem): ***

1. Take a newspaper (etc).
2. Take a pair of scissors.
3. Choose an article as long as you are planning to make your poem.
4. Cut out the article.
5. Then cut out each of the words that make up this article and put them in a bag.
6. Shake it gently.
7. Then take out the scraps one after the other in the order in which they left the bag.
7. Copy conscientiously. The poem will be like you. And here you are a writer, infinitely original and endowed with a sensibility that is charming though beyond the understanding of the vulgar.
8. mail to:
Candelabra Project
c/o Mary shelly Thyme
410 East Denny Way
#20
Seattle, WA 98122
United States of America

hello, friends and acquaintances of acquaintances, and random strangers especially those familiar with southern california.

i have the opportunity to spend a day and a half in Los Angeles. i've been through there but never TO there. where should i go? what should i do?

the ticket will cost me $200 but lodging is free. is a day and a half enough time to make this worthwhile or should i wait till i can spend more time?

i need to make this decision quickly as i am in the midst of a nervous breakdown.

i spent a few days in victoria, on vancouver island in british columbia. i took the clipper there. i sat next to a nice lady from minnesota, who i'm sure thought i was quite rude since i kept falling asleep when she tried to talk to me. i'd been up quite late and the gentle rocking motion knocks me out nearly every time. the clipper ride was interesting as i was by far the youngest passenger aside from crew. a large part of the boarding & unloading processes involved repeating instructions over and over louder and louder until the retirees indicated they could hear. one man in the herd in front of me kept turning to everyone around him and saying "people ask me how i'm doing. what can i say? i'm on the right side of the grass!" (chuckles and turns to someone new) "i'm on the right side of the grass!" (chuckles louder) "i'm on the right side of the grass!!" some nearby ladies titter knowingly or politely or in embarassment. "i'm on the right side of the grass!" to someone i'm quite sure he doesn't know. belly laugh. "i'm (chuckle) on the right side (snort) of the (snicker) grass!!" this guy is cracking himself up. it is refreshing, i guess, to see someone so excited about living. maybe there is something about canada that makes you want to charge exuberantly across the street.

i stayed in a very nice bed and breakfast called the prior house. i think that might be what i do for bread when i grow up. so now i need to pick a scenic locale and save up for some land. but that is for later.
it was great other than the keeper's love of playing enya very loudly. there was a huge garden perfect for napping or sketching and there was a monstrously large dog named diego. bingo would have suited him better.

my first day there i was unable to secure canadian currency due to a computer problem, so my short walk in newish shoes turned into a very long walk which turned into blisters but the pedestrian signal lights in canada are awesome. canadian the electronic walkers are so much more robust and limber than the ones in the states. contraposto be damned. let's walk like a canadian! way-o, way-o, waaaay-o

i had a number of lovely meals at canadian prices, went to the bengal lounge of the extravagant empress hotel (it was most unlike drinkin' with lincon at the bengal on highland), took a tour of the parliament building. the architect of the parliament, empress, and wax museum buildings, Francis Rattenbury, led an interesting life. af