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Fuck Yourself,
Silly!

I'd like to write a post on what I think will be, or should be BIG in 2005. You know, like Entertainment Weekly or Time or Black Tail does at the begining of each year. I do have a degree from the Manshit School of Ass Cum-munications. I thought I should put it to good use seeing as how I spent 25 thousand dollars on a degree that is pretty much worthless upon graduation. Thanks for the memories, and the debt LSU. Anyway, back to the BIG in 2005 list.

#1 : Presidential Assassinations
I predict assassinating the president will make a big come back in 2005. It's long over due, and just like fashion, everything comes back around in 20 years or so. We haven't had an assassination attempt since Reagan, and even that one was a failed attempt. You would think with all the crazy people in the world....geez, fuck that, you would think with all the crazy people in my neighborhood someone would want to impress Jodie Foster again by shooting the president. Also, I heard through the grape vine that Jodie Foster really gets wet at the thought of both the president and vice-president being assassinated together. She's just kinky that way.

#2 : Bigotry
We're the generation that grew up in the age of Political Correctness, and it sucks. I'm so jealous of our parents and our grandparents generation. Their's was a time when hate speech was not only tolerated, but smiled upon. A time when you knew words and phrases like 'spear-chucker', 'jungle bunny', 'wet-back', 'niggar and/or negro', 'spick', 'slaint-eyed bastard' or 'faggot' etc. not only drew laughter but also admiration from your peers. Look, I'm not saying we'll be able to reverse the harmful effects of Political Correctness in one year, but we can at least start laying down the foundation and roots of hate so that bigotry can one day be acceptable again. I have a dream that one day my son can look upon an interracial couple and yell out "Niggar Lover" in a crowded room without being chastised.

#3 : Hot Chicks Having Sex With Guys Named Neal
This one was also on my BIG in 2004 list. It never really caught on this past year.

#4 : Shitty Music
Look, honestly, the first 3 things on my list probably won't be BIG in 2005 (even though they should be, especially #3), but one thing you can always count on is that the masses will listen to and love shitty music. In fact, I'll go on record saying in the immortal words of Justin Wilson "I guaranty you'll hear plenty of shitty music in 2005." (Also, be prepared for a lot of shitty movies and television, too)

#5 : Development of a Healthy Cigarette
All this anti-smoking bullshit is ridiculous. This country was founded on tobacco. Bottom line, smoking makes you look cool. End of story. I don't understand why the tobacco industry can't invent a cigarette that's good for you. While they're at it, make cigarettes that give off an appealing odor such as lemon, or pine, or freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. How awesome would it be to come home from a smokey bar smelling like blueberries or the interior of a new car. Get to work Philip-Morris.

So there you have it. My list of things that will be, or should be BIG in 2005.

(note to future employeers who might read this : The comments made in #1 and #2 are sarcasm and satirical wit. You know, like Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal. He didn't really think people should eat babies in order to solve the overpopulation problem. Of course, you would have know this unless you are a complete fucking idiot in which case I don't want to work for your stupid, fucked up company anyway).

Happy Holidays

I visited Mt. St. Helens a couple of weeks ago and took some pictures along the way.

Here's a picture from Olympia. I wonder if the band Sleater Kinney ate at this Jack In The Box before attending church?

I saw an exhibit by this art fag named Dane Howard. I like his paintings.

Yeah!!!!

So, you know, I'm looking for a job these days and I signed up with monster.com. Apparently, they have this thing called "Monster Networking" where it's suppose to put you in contact with people who have the same intrest or career goals as yourself. Well, "Monster Networking" seems to think me and this woman should "network".



I bet we do have a lot in common. She's a CLUB GUEST/VIP AGENT. I bet we could really further each others careers. Way to go, your the Monster!

Why do people use the word "fuck" so much on this website?

Does anyone on this site know where I can score some heroin?

I'll start it off, freestyle style:

Jellybeans are good.

So, ahh, do you guys like, a, mice and stuff? -butthead (with glasses)

Check out these ass clowns

Now lets make fun of them!
I especially like the Robert Smith wannabe look alike on the far right. I like anybody that tries to look like Robert Smith. It gives people charater.

The middle dude is my second favorite. I really like that Micheal Jackson circa Beat It jacket. Very, very cool. Although I'm not sure that its that goth, but the white face paint with black tribal markings is very gothic. As is the black finger nails.

I also really like the guy next to him holding the cane with the skull on top of it. He looks like the baddest bad ass of the group. And, truth be told, I also own that vinyl shirt that he's wearing.

Hey, I'm moving to Seattle at the end of this month. I think there are some other people on Killoggs that live in Seattle, right? I propose that we start the Seattle Dirtfarm. We could challege the DC Dirtfarm to a game of horse shoes. A game of horse shoes! Fuck the DC Dirtfarm 'cause the West Coast Dirtfarm ain't got no love for the East Coast. Buncha corny ass punk beeeeeaches.

ANYWAY, since I'm moving to the motherfucking Northworst I'm pretty excited about these Pixies dates:

04-21 Victoria, British Columbia - Victoria Curling Club
04-22 Vancouver, British Columbia - Commodore Ballroom
04-23 Vancouver, British Columbia - Commodore Ballroom

Hey, maybe I can buy a new T-shirt.

Does it get easier?

Telephone Polls Up My Sleeves.

That's right. I am retired. I think that I shall look back upon my career and write a book. Na, who the fuck would want to read it.

If you need to reach me, you can find me where you find other retired persons:
VFW Hall
Bingo Hall
Retirement Home
Camp Sites
Fishing Lakes
Hospitals
Grave Yards

Also, I'm only retired for two months. Oh well, here's to living!

You guys aren’t going to believe how lucky I am. I logged into my Hotmail account this morning and waiting for me is the greatest e-mail ever! It seems some scientist have perfected a formula for making my penis grow 3 to 4 inches! Oh man! You know what that means? It means in a couple of weeks I’m going to have a nice 5 to 6 inch penis! Ladies, ever been with someone that huge? I didn’t think so!

I just feel so fortunate that I was one of the select few that received this special e-mail. Sorry to all of the dudes out there. It seems like I’m going to have a huge advantage over the rest of you.

Hey party people. I want to know (as a socialogical experment) "How much work do you guys do in an average day?" Seriously. I'll start-I'm at work for 10 hours a day (I include my lunch hour as an hour of work). But I probably only get 2 to 3 hours of real work done. I have an office job, so its real easy to fuck off. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I fuck off everyday. Somedays I really bust ass and put in "my honest day's work for my honest day's pay," but on an average day.....

Yeah, that's right! I said it. Fuck Chuck Klosterman!!

This is a dual statement. Let me explain.

I never, never read. I just don't. Up until this point in my life I've probably only read a handful of books. And when I say handful, I'm talking like 4 or 5. But, when my now ex-girlfriend (we'll get into that later), J*** read me the first essay from Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa-Puffs, the whole time I was like "I could have fuckin Written this book!" Chuck Klosterman is increadible!!! Really. I absolutely love this book. And this is from a guy who admits that he never reads.

So why would I say "Fuck Chuck Klosterman"? Because, using the word "fuck" is implying 2 definitions : (a) I want to fuck (as in have sex with him) because I love him, and (b) fuck (as in I want to kill that motherfucker) because I will now be labeled a second rate, wannabe Chuck, even though I'm not. Now, I'm not saying that I could have written a book as increadible as Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa-Puffs. I know that. Don't get me wrong. All I'm saying is that, "yes, wether you believe me or not I had the same feeling about John Cusack ruining our generation's relationships. I also think movies and media teach us to believe 'fake love' is really how love is suppose to be. And I too have made the argument that movies about love are ONLY 90 FUCKING MINUTES LONG and real relationships last FUCKIN' YEARS! (6 years!!!). And, I too especially felt 'When Harry Met Sally' to be extrodinarily fucking a lot of people's heads up and skewing their prospect of your best friend really being your true love and soul mate. I hate to break this to you, but their not!"

And just look at the way I'm writing this post. I mean, come on! I'm totally coping him! Totally! And just as he put it - I'm the equivelent of "Coldplay" because "Coldplay" is a photocopy of Travis, who is a photocopy of Radiohead. Chuck is Radiohead. (Also, like Chuck, I think Coldplay is the absolute shittiest band ever. Well, on second though, Third Eye Blind might be the shittiest band ever, but Coldplay is giving them a run for their money). You must buy and read this book. YOU MUST. Also, the essay about the Guns And Roses cover band "Paradise City" is laugh out loud funny.

[And back to Neal]

Yes, I am no longer in a relationship. I am now living alone in the French Quater. This past weekend has been both the hardest weekend of my life and one of the best. (Oh great, now he thinks he's Charles fuckin Dickens! Get an orginal though Neal!) I don't really want to go into it. I'll leave that for another post.

Also, I will not post for the next week. I'm going to visit Bill Evans (as in Unkle Bill fame) in Seattle. Cough, Cough. A-uhm. Canada!

Piece (as in - piece of ass)

Kneel

Hello, My Name Is Neal. Neal Schex- oh wait, I won't spell out my whole name. I must keep my anonymity. Anyway. How is everyone I use to know. (I will feel very stupid and unloved if no one replies to this. I'm at the end of my rope and I have hot water running through my veins). Dammit.

Also, I don't think I really look like this Icon of me. Don't get me wrong, it's a very nice fuckin drawing. Good work Ben. It's just that I don't wear glasses anymore
(now that I'm rich, I can afford contacts) and I don't even own a Pixies t-shirt anymore. But the pompadore hair do is dead on-I must admit.
.