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meredith

Go to hell... do you have hell? Of course you do

So I was running today, it's hot, 84. I'm on my way back home and I'm stopped at a crosswalk. I'm doing my weightshifty thing (I don't do the jog in place dance at the crosswalks) and I see these two girls crossing in my direction. They're both really dressed up and made up and I wonder if they're hot and if they're make up is melting and they're both looking at me and I'm thinking "yeah, I'm a mess, so what, I've been exercising." As they cross behind me, one girl looks me dead in the eye and hands me this:

How To Get To Heaven, GUARANTEED!

I mean, it's like... GOD leave me alone. I'm RUNNING. I'm not worried about heaven right now. Can't you see? I mean Jesus, I've got Timbaland in my ishuffle and I'm EXERCISING. I'm training for a FIGHT.

God.

[ 19 responses ] < Post > < link >

[ posted by meredith at 06/07/2008 05:02:20 PM ]
[ trackback ]

Threaded Responses [ bottom ]

meredith [email] said at 5:07 PM 06-07-2008:
I'm going to scan the inside for John, because I know he collects these. I'll save this for you, John.

How To Get To Heaven, GUARANTEED!

[Reply To this] [#262452]

meredith [email] said at 5:09 PM 06-07-2008:
Dammit. Copy/paste error.

Directions to Heaven

[Reply To this] [#262453]

meredith [email] said at 5:15 PM 06-07-2008:
John, I hope you did the prayer. You need all the help you can get.

Now, give us money.

[Reply To this] [#262454]

kiche [email] said at 6:33 PM 06-07-2008:
you should have kicked their asses.

[Reply To this] [#262457]

rick [email] said at 6:35 PM 06-07-2008:
Weird. I wouldn't have expected you listen to Timbaland but then I guess I wouldn't know what you listen to since you have never called me to audit your music collection.

[Reply To this] [#262459]

milky [email] said at 12:07 AM 06-08-2008:
I had the same thought. I have probably listened to his stuff in passing after I went all golden age.

[Reply To this] [#262473]

meredith [email] said at 3:59 PM 06-08-2008:
Some Timbaland is very good for exercising.

[Reply To this] [#262485]

milky [email] said at 4:20 PM 06-08-2008:
Now you've got me on an e-digging excursion! :P

First it was Max, now you...

[Reply To this] [#262487]

Todd said at 7:36 PM 06-07-2008:
The whole grid thing on the front of the flyer reminds me of Tron. Or the movie the Blackhole. Or like the intro narrative text of Star Wars, receding into the distance. It's like this flyer is needing to use language and other signifiers of statistics and science (fiction) to prove to you that having blind faith in magical incantations to bring eternal life is as reliable as a microwave's ability to kill a Gremlin or as 100% true that our computers have cool little people in them bathed in blacklight racing cars to make sure World Peace is maintained. Anyway, I thought science and religion were, like, in a blood feud anyway. What's up with that?

Maybe you should just send them a DVD of Battlefield Earth or something, and call it an apocryphal day.

[Reply To this] [#262461] [ip: logged]

kiche [email] said at 12:25 AM 06-08-2008:
it's true. christians are definitely falling off in their asthetic design.

jocko homo

[Reply To this] [#262475]

kiche [email] said at 12:30 AM 06-08-2008:
then again, maybe they just cribbed their design for their tract from a local chicago area rock band:

[Reply To this] [#262476]

Todd said at 2:22 AM 06-08-2008:
Tron! It's where Jesus's at!

http://i.pbase.com/o6/53/447553/1/74225378.7ou4FRKZ.Trongrid.jpg

[Reply To this] [#262477] [ip: logged]

julie [email] said at 8:15 PM 06-07-2008:
I used to think 84 was hot. But then it was 99 today with a heat index of 107, and I have reevaluated. Now I think 84 is lovely and cool. If an 84 degree breeze would blow on me right now, I would be very happy.

Also: for people with 100% certainty that they're going to heaven, their graphic design skills sure do suck.

[Reply To this] [#262462]

milky [email] said at 12:09 AM 06-08-2008:
It looks like a flyer for a bad 80s band (or cover band.)

[Reply To this] [#262474]

meredith [email] said at 5:37 PM 06-08-2008:
Oh, believe me, I am under no deliusion that 84 degrees is blazing hot. But we had weather in the high 30s/low 40s last week, so everyone's kind of in shock.

[Reply To this] [#262489]

john [email] said at 9:58 AM 06-08-2008:
Meredith, this flyer is to be taken seriously. I hope that you still have it because I'm coming over tonight to discuss it with you so that ye may know the way to Heaven! We need to be sure that you are 100% going to be going to Heaven. Put on a pot of coffee at about 7pm and I'll be over. Have your bible open to John 5:13 and be ready to recieve the Word of the Lord! Rejoice Meredith! Rejoice!

[Reply To this] [#262479]

john [email] said at 10:27 AM 06-08-2008:
That's "receive". I before E except after C. Us Christians may not have perfect spelling sometimes but at least we're not sinners!

[Reply To this] [#262480]

cousin daniel said at 11:15 AM 06-08-2008:
so are you saying you don't want to enjoy heaven?

[Reply To this] [#262481] [ip: logged]

meredith [email] said at 5:38 PM 06-08-2008:
That depends. Are these people going to be there? If I go to heaven I want heaven to be like the clambake Kurt Vonnegut described in Timequake.

[Reply To this] [#262490]