I have some old home movies of myself (and Angie) when I was around 6 or 7. Just about every time the camera is on me I'm flipping around wildly, singing some bizarre made up song, flailing my body parts in a dramatic semi-seizure, talking a bunch of nonsense, and usually pleading with the camera-person (my father in most cases) to PLEASE keep the camera on ME.

In one particular scene, outside of my uncle's apartment complex, the camera is focused on the buildings and parking lot but you can hear me screaming in the background "I AM GONNA DO SOMETHING!!! I AM GONNA DO...SOMETHING! I'm going to do something!!!! PLEASE LOOK AT ME I'M GONNA DOOO SOMETTTTHING!!"

Despite the fact that these videos are from nearly 20 years ago I have realized and I guess always known that I am not that much different. Perhaps there is more eloquence in my demand for attention but to put it simply: I am a big ol' HAM.

This paradoxically clashes with the fact that I'm a very shy person. I sometimes wonder if the whole social anxiety shit didn't get in the way of my affairs and the way I interact with people, if I could do all the things I have inside me to do.

Last night at the annual holiday office party I went up and sang two karaoke songs. I got suckered in to doing "I will survive" with some other girls from the classifieds department. Afterwards me and the guys from team reception did "Don't go breakin' my heart" and I loved every damned second of it.

Ah! I feel like I have split personalities or something. I hate that the shy girls wins. I feel like 7 year old Carla is totally pissed that I let her take over. "Dammit! This is not what I had planned for us!"

I also hate that I have a throbbing headache and have already puked up tequila. Wah. I didn't win the lampshade award for the night but if there was a Diva award I probably should have won that.