Ben (6:56 PM): i realized what a freak i've become about design today
Ben (6:56 PM): i was watching the opening of buffy today and i hated the font so much that i got mad and wanted to leave
Kara (6:57 PM): weirdo
Ben (6:58 PM): damn that font
Ben (6:58 PM): there's just certain fonts that should go away forever
Ben (6:58 PM): like SAND
Kara (6:58 PM): what is it
Ben (6:58 PM): i forget the name of it cos i hate it that much
Kara (6:59 PM): after this conversation i am never going to show you anything i do ever again
Ben (6:59 PM): it doesn't even match the buffy logo
Ben (6:59 PM): hahahahah
Kara (7:01 PM): most people are just born mediocre ben.
Ben (7:01 PM): everyone is born mediocre
Kara (7:01 PM): i am one of them. i've come to accept that fact and do my best.
Kara (7:01 PM): whatever, you dont even know
Ben (7:01 PM): some people learn faster than others, but anyone can learn anything
Ben (7:02 PM): getting the confidence is the hardest thing
Kara (7:02 PM): why do you think all these girls (and guys) like to be around you. its because you're not mediocre and everyone hopes a bit of your creativity will rub off on them
Kara (7:02 PM): thats not true, people can get the confidence. I've had it in the past but Its never made anything I've done as good as some people could do offhandedly
Kara (7:03 PM): its just so
Kara (7:04 PM): the acceptance of the fact is more important than false confidence
Kara (7:04 PM): because at least then you can start trying and stop wishing

Josh (7:03 PM):you were shitty at drawing 5 years ago
Ben (7:03 PM):i know!
Josh (7:03 PM):seriously you really sucked
Josh (7:04 PM):you just have to keep at it and you get to be awesome
Kara (7:05 PM): its still true, what I'm saying, to a large extent though
Kara (7:05 PM): josh or I will never be good at drawing
Ben (7:06 PM): only cos you tell yourself that!
Ben (7:06 PM): it's not like i picked up a guitar and started to play it
Kara (7:07 PM): yeah but youre clever in the first place
Kara (7:07 PM): most people are not creative &/ or clever
Kara (7:08 PM): i can be, you know, i'm on some mood medication right now, and if I ever can figure out a job that doesnt require regular hours, I'll stop taking it and start writing and thinking again
Ben (7:08 PM): it's weird. you start with confidence. you keep doing something even if you suck at it, you eventually get better, and other things start to get easier, but then if you stop for a while you start to suck at it again
Ben (7:08 PM): clever is different i guess
Kara (7:08 PM): exactly
Ben (7:09 PM): but it's relative
Kara (7:09 PM): and its important if you want to be an artist or musician or something
Ben (7:09 PM): not everyone thinks my stuff is clever
Ben (7:10 PM): some people like disney a whole lot
Ben (7:10 PM): and pearl jam
Kara (7:11 PM): i hate both of those things so much. but still, even if your tastes are different it doesnt mean youre good at what your tastes are

Josh (7:10 PM):clever is definitely relative
Josh (7:11 PM):and it goes if you dont use it
Ben (7:11 PM):so is funny, intelligent, annoying...
Josh (7:11 PM):i think i used to be more clever, when i had more time to just think of shit
Kara (7:12 PM): oh well this debate makes me sad, i basically try not to think about it anymore, and just try to do things whether I can be good at them or not
Josh (7:12 PM):when i was in college i used to have ideas for art all day long, too many to do
Josh (7:12 PM):now not so much.. mainly because im not doing it
Ben (7:12 PM): i drive myself CRAZY with them!
Ben (7:13 PM): i suck at a lot of things tho
Ben (7:13 PM): but i want to get better at them!
Kara (7:13 PM): yeah well thats what i'm saying
Kara (7:13 PM): i'm trying to get better
Kara (7:14 PM): but I know I will never impress anyone away with anything I do really, and i try not to care
Ben (7:14 PM): i can't dance. i can't write lyrics for shit. i'm not the best singer in the world
Ben (7:14 PM): don't you see that that statement is why tho??
Ben (7:14 PM): UGH!
Kara (7:16 PM): yeah but the thing with me is that statement is learned. i spent a lot of time thinking I was talented and destined for greatness and not working like normal people
Kara (7:16 PM): my mind used to think faster
Kara (7:17 PM): it dont matter none, dont want to think about it. i might get inspired eventually. for now its beaded shirts and practicing guitar and making collages
Ben (7:17 PM): that's all you can do!
Kara (7:18 PM): well thats what i'm doin
Ben (7:18 PM): just love what you do and nothing else matters
Kara (7:18 PM): i guess
Kara (7:18 PM): ive lost a lot of my self esteem in the past 2 years, it might come back eventually or it might just be adulthood
Ben (7:19 PM): self esteem can only truly come from yourself
Kara (7:19 PM): oh jeez

Josh (7:19 PM): the thing is kara accomplished shit that i couldnt do and did it fucking well she just thinks that she is bad at things
Josh (7:19 PM): she sold out the ottobat twice
Josh (7:19 PM): i cant organize a show that could do that
Josh (7:19 PM): she had those two shows and made money for everyone concerned
Josh (7:19 PM): when i organize a show i barely break even
Josh (7:20 PM): theres no way i could walk away from a show with 100s in my pocket like she managed to do

Kara (7:19 PM):i couldnt do that today
Ben (7:20 PM):only cos you have agreed to that
Kara (7:21 PM): because i dont care anymore
Ben (7:21 PM): exactly
Ben (7:22 PM): cos you aren't willing to love what you do any more and just do it for that sole reason
Kara (7:22 PM): yeah well. like i said, maybe at some point i will find something i care about again, or maybe this is my adulthood, thats what I'm sayin. it doesnt matter. i'm in thousands of dollars of debt from the last thing I did... even though I KNEW I would be, it was just kind of the last straw
Ben (7:23 PM): it'll come back
Kara (7:23 PM): i never expected to make back the money, and yet when I send off a huge amount of money every month for what I like to call my "student loan", I feel like I didn't learn the thing that I'd meant to learn
Ben (7:23 PM): money is stupid anyway
Kara (7:23 PM): it is
Kara (7:23 PM): its imaginary
Ben (7:24 PM): i'm thousands of dollars in debt for painting trains, taking out a student loan and moving to santa cruz with it...
Ben (7:24 PM): and that was nearly 10 years ago!
Ben (7:24 PM): fuck it
Ben (7:24 PM): it was fucking fun
Kara (7:24 PM): seriously, i dont like to have this discussion because it makes me wonder why I feel this way, and I need to not think about it and just wait for it to pass. maybe find a new job, maybe have no job, maybe get a boyfriend, maybe have an epiphany
Kara (7:24 PM): maybe move somewhere
Ben (7:24 PM): it's the same funk i get in
Kara (7:25 PM): i need to give out the magazines for free.. thats a huge step, but I cant afford to mail them to the places they need to be
Ben (7:25 PM): it's necessary to post it
Kara (7:25 PM): post what
Ben (7:25 PM): this conversation
Kara (7:25 PM): haha ok
Kara (7:26 PM): i keep wondering if i ask people to pay postage to put them in stores, or sell them at the price they want to make back postage, if anyone on earth would do that
Ben (7:26 PM): it's weird tho. yer sad cos you have the weight of all of these things on you. you can't tell yourself to detach and not care so you're just stuck in the middle
Kara (7:26 PM): or if the people who bought them for 5 dollars would get mad
Ben (7:26 PM): people that have paid for stuff have paid for stuff and that is that
Kara (7:26 PM): chris x helped me a lot. being around someone productive and diy helps a lot
Ben (7:27 PM): it does
Ben (7:27 PM): i sooooo want to meet someone who inspires me
Kara (7:28 PM): you should probably move
Kara (7:32 PM): everyone i meet in DC lately bores me
Ben (7:33 PM): a lot of people bore me, but i try to bring out the fun in everyone. everyone has the capacity for being completely and totally interesting.
Kara (7:33 PM): but they think they're really interesting and wild
Ben (7:33 PM): it's the people outside of our friend groups that really interest me
Ben (7:33 PM): the people i'm not supposed to talk to
Kara (7:34 PM): the thing when I was getting my car window fixed was great
Kara (7:34 PM): and made me wish i could take off work and sit outside all day and not be so shy
Kara (7:34 PM): not supposed to talk to in what way
Ben (7:34 PM): everyone rules. it's the limitations we put on who we meet that fuck everything up
Ben (7:35 PM): i mean the rest of the breakfast club