I have a psychometrics exam looming that I feel unprepared for. I have about 6.5 hours to study for it, though. Nerves are killing me.
Right now I'm taking a look back at the things I did wrong in my past relationships and how I'm sabotaging the one I'm in now. No matter what, I seem to be doing the same insecure things I have done previously. Knowing that hurts. I have to assess how much damage I've done and what I can do to prevent further damage. Once you kill the goose that laid the golden egg, you can't undo that. I'm basically smothering this person unintentionally and she feels pressured. I don't blame her. My intensity level is too high. I've tried to turn down the volume but ya know, you just can't control emotions. It's even hard to hold back expressions of feelings.
Part of this is due to the fact that I really don't have any friends outside of school here. I don't drink anymore, either. My hobby is surfing the internet, watching movies, and listening to music. I wish those hobbies had other people involved in them, or I wish I had social outlets in Morgan City. I don't. So I focus my attention on my girlfriend. This probably isn't healthy. Although she lives an hour and a half away, she's mentioned that I don't give her the personal space that she needs. I'm trying. The last time I visited didn't turn out to well. Knowing that hurts as well. She doesn't love me any less, I don't love her any less. I guess we just have to wrok out the kinks. None of this stuff is any fun to have in the back of your mind when you have finals.
There are a bunch of people in NOLA and BR that I'd love to visit but I just don't have the gas money. Morgan City, like San Antonio or Tampa, isn't a good enough reason for people to visit me. And I don't blame 'em. I live with my parents and I don't have a whole lot of personal space to entertain guests. Besides, what would there be to do here that you couldn't do better somewhere else?
I'm praying to learn to live. I pray for a healthy, lasting relationship. I pray for academic success. I pray for the ability to understand and appreciate myself. Finally, I pray to be a better, more healthy and functional person.
I don't know why I'm posting this. These are my feelings. I should discuss this in therapy. I do. But I can only see someone once a week. In the interim, I think too much about stuff and screw things up. I mean well. I know that. Again, I just can't seem to get the balance right. I wish I knew how to go about doing all of these things. If I'm trying hard, I don't think anything else can be expected. You do your best and work at stuff.
Baby Duck said at 12:19 PM 05-04-2004: 1. Try venting some of your frustrations when doing some exercise/workout
2. Psychometrics, eh? Can you measure my psycho? I want to know just how psycho I am, in objective terms.
3. Morgan City was actually in a dictionary. I don't remember which dictionary, but man that was unexpected.
milky [email] said at 12:25 PM 05-04-2004: Morgan City, LA (city, FIPS 52040)
Location: 29.70170 N, 91.19188 W
Population (1990): 14531 (5838 housing units)
Area: 15.2 sq km (land), 0.4 sq km (water)
Zip code(s): 70380
AnotherGeoff said at 2:07 PM 05-04-2004: Hey Playa,
Natchitoches isn't exactly a tourist attraction either (okay, it is but that's not the point). I'm looking at getting my windshield fixed after the 14th and am planning a precarious trip down southward. You game?
Anyhow, keep up the good rhythm and stay in there dude. This shit may be tough but i've seen harder men take it harder than you ever did.
Back to Playa Hatin' on Freshman Remedial English students.
milky [email] said at 12:30 PM 05-04-2004: And the following:
Morgan City history:
"Originally known as Tigre Island because of the spotting of an unknown cat there by a group of U.S. surveyors, the area attracted the attention of Kentucky planter and surgeon Walter Brashear. Brashear's subsequent subdividing of his sugar cane plantation was the beginning of the first permanent settlement known as the town of Brashear.
Following the war, Charles Morgan, a steamship and railroad entrepreneur, successfully dredged the Atchafalaya Bay Channel and made Brashear his base of operations. As a result, Brashear became a bustling trade center for animal fur, cypress timber, and seafood. In 1876, the town was renamed Morgan City in his honor."
*myriam said at 12:37 PM 05-04-2004: milk, I've been learning some things recently.
think about what it's like when you do meet someone you've never met before--like a girl in one of your classes. you find yourself typically thinking, yeah, that conversation was ok, but nowhere near as interesting as talking with XX (my gf) is. gee i can't wait to see her again! riiiiight?
well, now GIVE HER THAT OPPORTUNITY. she's probably crazy about you. think about the amazing things she tells you and how much she's shown she loves you. now, you have to learn to trust that she needs time to be on her own precisely in order to realize, herself, and keep remembering, how much she does like you. this includes: a) spending time alone and getting the chance to think, oh, i wish milky could see this too! i'll have to tell him about it later! b) spending time at work, in class, or just generally out and about in which she will meet other people and get the chance to compare them to you (you have to TRUST you'll come out ahead--because if your relationship is worth anything, and her love for you is worth anything, then you WILL and if you don't then it's for the best and leave it alone) so then she can think, "heh, so-and-so's soooo boring... blah blah blah... i wish i were talking with milky right now." c) she has time to go through the periods of normal self-reflection that everyone needs in order to stay in good mental health. when you spend time with someone else, naturally you don't pause and reflect about yourself, or life, etc. people NEED this time for their own stability and mental health. if you are always with her, she will not have the chance to be mentally healthy.
i hope this all makes sense. i am talking from experience on both ends of the stick--the smotheree (more often) and--recently--the smotherer. i almost lost a relationship and gained it back because i thought all this through rationally. so after thinking about this i would recommend some exercises and rules--you are very strong and i'm sure you can be self-willed. next step after constantly reminding yourself of the above points:
PRACTICE. remember, she needs to feel like she wants to be with you. let her want you. let her call you. practice by NOT CALLING HER OR SHOWING UP until she calls first. it feels good to be the one that chases, sometimes--let her chase you a little. when goods are less available--classic pysch--it makes you feel that they are even more to be cherished--they seem more worthwhile and you want them even more. make yourself a scarce good and demand will go up. pyschologically she needs to feel like your time is precious--and she will, accordingly, feel like you are more worth her time. is this making any sense? DON'T always be available. Practice that. Let her chase you, because then she will WANT to chase you.
People like to make an effort for something--it makes them feel that something is to be valued more if they have to make an effort for it. Let HER make the effort for you and she will see how much you are to be valued.
If you are always around you are going to make her artificially dislike you, due to human psych, when she wouldn't ordinarily.
brianbibbly [email] said at 12:37 PM 05-04-2004: Baby Steps dude. Take a deep breath and just continue on doing whatever it is you are doing. I find that one can sink further into depression with more and more analysis. But that is just me. I obviously have no expertise in the academic side of psychoanalysis whatsoever and it's benefits. My point is that my confidence and well-being is built slowly through small victories. When I see a problem with myself, and it is too huge to tackle in one blow, I accept it and start working on the little things. Slowly, those little victories add up. Those little victories give you the confidence to try something bigger, or maybe the accumulation of the little things equal the solution to the bigger problem. I oftentimes can't understand my emotions and flaws, yet, constant reflection on them usually doesn't help solve them. This is particularly so with relationships. I try to be the best person I can be to people, but I can't lose sight of the fact that everyone is different and sees things different ways. I mean, you say this girl is feeling cramped. This may be true, but it doesn't necessarily have to be your fault. It could be her, or partly her and you. Just take those instructions and try to slowly right the ship. But it all starts with the deep breath. Relax. I'd be drowned long ago if I let the constant waves of depression and anxiety and loss wash over me completely.
milky [email] said at 1:20 PM 05-04-2004: Nah, it's good advice from the both of yoose. I told her last night, "You know I love you, you know where I am and how to reach me. You now have your space. If I'm not busy, I'll take your calls. I don't love you any less, but this is probably optimal for the both of us."
josh [email] said at 12:50 PM 05-04-2004: Yeah man, you can't expect to go from having problems to 100% problem free instantly... i think you are doing well and the fact that you know what you are doing that's not so perfect is a good sign. You will get better in time.
Maybe try and cultivate some hobbies in Morgan City, or do some charity stuff? Volunteer somewhere. It will get you out of the house and make you feel better about everything?
milky [email] said at 1:23 PM 05-04-2004: I'm just on campus most of the week, 9am-7/8pm. I jet ski on the lake when the weather permits...and it has sucked lately with the rain. It's as calming as street luging was and a lot less dangerous.
When school's out, before the 6 weeks/5 days a week summer school starts, I'll help my old man remodel the house he bought.
Me and my gal are raking a vacation from May 19-26 as well.
I think everything's gonna be OK. The first few months are always a bitch anyway.
milky [email] said at 10:39 AM 05-06-2004: Thanks, y'all. I still got 2 years left. I finish, hopefully, in Fall 05. Then I need to do my supervised hours. If I tack on two extra classes, I can be certified in 07 as a Licensed Professional Counselor AND a Guidance Counselor. I wanna have as many job ops as possible.
I'm doing the loan thing to improve my credit. And applying for credit cards.
Me and Ms. A are doing fine, BTW. Worked the kinks out.
milky [email] said at 5:47 PM 05-10-2004: Things didn't work themselves out. In fact, they got worse. She felt overwhelmed and all sorts of other stuff...she's been feeling like that for the last two weeks. Even with sparse communication from me. She just felt overwhelmed. Finally, I talked to her this afternoon. There's going to be some time apart. I can't or should feel bad about this. I understand where she's coming from. I also understand that some of her feelings stem from letting stuff fester and not talking to me about her feelings straight up. I'm slow. I always tell people they need to spell stuff out. It's easier that way.
We're not going on vacation at the end of the month. That's off. She doesn't want to do it.
Back to me working on me. I'm gonna miss her, this much is true.
neal [email] said at 6:35 PM 05-10-2004: milk, look, do what i've been doing since my breaking-up: stay home and masterbate with the lights off. Look, it's just sooo much easier. woody allen said it best - "masturbation is sex with the person you love the most." sometimes if i'm really feeling ambitious i put a wet blanket on top of me while i do it. it simulates the heavy breathing and persperation of "real" sex (whatever that is?).
alright, alright. i'm joking. but seriously, high school parking lots are a great place to hang out and meet girls. we're all in that mid to late 20's age range that just drives teenage girls wild. and being able to buy beer is always a huge advantage.
milky [email] said at 7:43 PM 05-10-2004: I got the whole "you're too good to me and I can't reciprocate, you deserve better."
I go back to my previous hypothesis that has yet to be disproven: either women want to treat men like shit _or_ women want people to treat them like shit. That's how they find happiness.
Go figure. Kiche has your skag. It's up his ass somewhere, with my toaster and some other stuff. I think his sense of tact is in there and if you find it, don't bother giving it to him. Just hold on to it. It's fun like that.
