When people talk about amazing real estate, this is the
place they mean: ocean views, deer and peacocks roaming the
grounds.
Currently, we are looking at the gates to the compound.
Tall, wrought iron beauties with a magnificent "W2" (that's
W-squared) adorning the center of each.
A GUARD nods to the camera, and presses a button within his
guardhouse.
The gates SWING OPEN.
Camera begins the coolest tracking shot in history. Better
than "Touch Of Evil". Better than "The Player". When
Scorsese and Altman see this movie, they cry, because
they've finally been outdone.
MOVING UP THE DRIVEWAY we see an amazing expanse of lawn,
shaded by tall oak trees. A MAJOR LEAGUE GROUNDS CREW is
cutting the right side of the lawn into a perfect baseball
diamond.
We begin to HEAR MUSIC, but we can't quite make it out.
CONTINUING UP THE DRIVEWAY we begin to see cars. Lots of
cars. Perhaps one hundred of them. And not just any cars,
either. These are classic muscle cars, and hot rods,
because all of Wil's friends are cool.
We approach the FRONT DOOR of the house, and camera comes
to a stop. A VALET opens the door, and nods to the camera.
The MUSIC becomes more clear. It sounds like a recent album
release.
We cross to the front door, which is easily 20 feet tall,
and must weigh nearly 500 pounds, but it is so perfectly
balanced, a child could push it open with one hand.
THE DOOR OPENS TO REVEAL:
2 INT. WIL WHEATON'S ESTATE. COURTYARD -DAY 2
As the door opens, we realize that the MUSIC we've been
hearing is RADIOHEAD, who are playing a private concert in
the courtyard.
THOM YORK
Uh, I just wanted to say what a
great honour it is to be playing
here. We're all big fans of Wil's,
and when we heard he couldn't get
tickets to our sold out show at The
Hollywood Bowl, coming here was the
least we could do. Remember to
stick around when we're done,
because U2 is coming to play the
entire "Joshua Tree" album...Uh,
erm, this is Wil's favourite
song...
RADIOHEAD begins to PLAY "The National Anthem".
CUT TO:
3 INT. WIL'S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM -MOMENTS LATER 3
Wil's living room is the stuff dreams are made of. The most
amazing home theatre system you've ever seen plays "Fletch"
to an audience of SUPER MODELS. A HOT COCKTAIL WAITRESS
gives a MARTINI to one of the SUPERMODELS.
HOT COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Here is your double, very dirty,
Ketel One martini straight up with
5 olives.
(beat)
You know, this is Wil's favorite.
SUPER MODEL #1
I know. He's so sophisticated!
(then)
Put this on the Underhill's tab.
They laugh, and gaze into each other's eyes.
HOT COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Uhh...
SUPER MODEL #1
Uhh...
CUT TO:
EXTREME CLOSE UP:
The SUPER MODEL'S hand opens, releasing the martini, which
tumbles end over end, slowly spilling itself in lava lamp
like SLOW MOTION.
CUT TO:
EXTREME CLOSE UP:
The beautiful hardwood floor. The MARTINI enters frame,
still toppling, until it EXPLODES upon impact.
CUT TO:
CLOSE UP:
THE HOT COCKTAIL WAITRESS'S ICE BLUE EYES burn with lust.
MATCH CUT TO:
CLOSE UP:
THE SUPER MODEL'S VERDANT GREEN EYES burn with lust.
CUT TO:
4 TWO SHOT: 4
The two of them go at it.
But the camera moves away before we see anything good, and
moves into
5 INT. WIL'S HOUSE. ANOTHER ROOM. 5
A flat screen plasma TV occupies most of one wall in this
room. TONY HAWK and RUNE GLIFBERG are playing TONY HAWK 3
on a PS2. Tony Hawk is kicking Rune's ass.
RUNE
Dude, this isnt fair. Of course
you're going to beat me. You beat
everyone.
TONY HAWK
Everybody except Wil. He's the best
I've ever seen at this game. His
moves are SICK!
RUNE
Yeah. I wish we are as cool as Wil.
TONY HAWK
Who doesn't?
They notice the camera.
RUNE
Oh, hi!
TONY HAWK
What's up?
But the camera (whoever it is) doesn't respond. It just
moves into:
6 INT. WIL'S HOUSE. KITCHEN -DAY 6
LORNE MICHAELS is ARGUING WITH WIL'S AGENT.
LORNE MICHAELS
Goddammit! I Wil to be the lynch
pin for the next five years of SNL!
WIL'S AGENT
Lorne, SNL has sucked for the last
five years. What makes you think
the next five years are going to be
any different?
LORNE MICHAELS
Two words:
(dramatic beat)
Wil. Wheaton.
They notice the camera.
WIL'S AGENT
I think we should talk about this
later.
LORNE MICHAELS
Yes. Yes we should.
They nervously leave, and the camera heads in the opposite
direction, out into
7 EXT. WIL WHEATON'S BACKYARD. POOL GROTTO AREA -DAY 7
Heff stopped coming here, because it made him realize how
bush league his own grotto was. BEAUTIFUL, BIKINI-CLAD
HOTTIES frolic in and around the pool, and there is not one
fake boob amongst them.
THE HOLLYWOOD ELITE mill about.
HOLLYWOOD ELITE #1
Genius. He is just a comic genius.
HOLLYWOOD ELITE #2
And what dramatic range.
HOLLYWOOD ELITE #1
I know. I can't believe that he
hasn't won an Oscar yet, or at
least a SAG award.
HOLLYWOOD ELITE #2
Well, he's only 29. Give him some
time.
HOLLYWOOD ELITE #1
True. True.
SUDDENLY, there is a LOUD COMMOTION OFF CAMERA.
WHIP PAN TO:
A LARGE BOUNCER is DRAGGING COREY FELDMAN the back of his
80's-esque shirt.
BOUNCER
Sorry, baby. You shouldn't have
been suck a cock when you were
making Stand By Me.
COREY FELDMAN
It's not my fault, man! I was
fucked up on drugs!
BOUNCER
Oh, sure. Blame it on "The Drugs".
The "E! True Hollywood Story"
called. They want their poster
child back.
The bouncer drags him away, and the camera hears another
commotion.
PAN TO:
JENNA JAMESON and ALEXA RAE are having a tiff.
JENNA JAMESON
Fuck you, bitch! I saw him first!
ALEXA RAE
No, fuck you, skank! He wants me!
JENNA JAMESON
He does not. You're not half as hot
as his wife!
ALEXA RAE
And you are? How many boob jobs
have you had?
JENNA JAMESON
One more than you, flavor of the
month!
VOICE (O.C.)
Ahem.
The two pornstars turn to face the camera. The shock and
horror on their faces lets the more astute of us in the
audience know who we're going to see when we
CUT TO:
The person who's POV we've been following.
It's Wil's wife, Anne. She is so beautiful, it brings tears
to your eyes. She's smart, independent, driven, loving, and
funny. In short, she's the female version of Wil, but so
much better. So much more. She is Cindy Crawford to Wil's
Richard Gere. She is Paulina to his Rock Ocasek. She's one
of those uber-hot girls who knows what's up, and got with
the geek.
ANNE
Look, girls, it's really nice that
you want to fight over my husband,
and all, but forget it. You just
can't bring the good lovin' like I
can.
The pornstars look at each other. She's right, and they
know it.
JENNA JAMESON
She's right.
ALEXA RAE
I'm sorry, sweetie.
JENNA JAMESON
That's okay...we still have...each
other...
ALEXA RAE
Yeah...
They draw close to each other, and begin to make out.
Anne EXITS and we
CUT TO:
8 EXT. WIL WHEATON'S BACK HOUSE (OFFICE) -DAY 8
Anne enters frame, and walks up to the door. She opens it,
and enters.
CUT TO:
9 INT. WIL'S HOUSE. BACK HOUSE (OFFICE) -DAY 9
A SUPER HOT SECRETARY sits at a desk, talking on the phone.
SECRETARY
I'm sorry, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Wheaton
won't take your calls until you
apologize to the world for Phantom
Menace, and give Episode 2 a title
that doesn't suck.
(beat)
I'll tell him that you called.
She HANGS UP the PHONE, and looks at Anne.
SECRETARY (CONT'D)
Hi, Mrs. Wheaton. He's inside. I
think he's working on something
important. He hasn't come out all
day.
ANNE
Is it that stupid website? I told
him to just hire someone to do it
for him, but he's intent on doing
the whole thing himself. I think
he's trying to impress Ben, and
Loren and Josh.
SECRETARY
Ben, the artist?
ANNE
Yeah.
SECRETARY
I wish he'd draw my head. He's the
bees knees.
ANNE
Yeah, and Josh and Loren sure can
program websites.
SECRETARY
They sure can.
(pause)
Mrs. Wheaton?
ANNE
Yes, Mandy?
SECRETARY
Is there any chance you're going to
leave Mr. Wheaton?
ANNE
(laughs)
Don't count on it, honey.
SECRETARY
Damn!
Anne crosses to Wil's office door, and we
CUT TO:
10 INT. WIL'S OFFICE -DAY 10
Wil's office is equal parts Geek and Hollywood. A complete
collection of first edition Star Wars figures, still in
their blister packs adorn one wall.
An ORIGINAL SANDMAN LAYOUT SHEET is framed against another
wall. Camera settles on it long enough to read:
"Wil, you're going to play Sandman someday!
Cheers, Neil"
An animation cell from THE SIMPSONS reads:
"Wil, your idea for Professor Frink is second only to your
idea for The Comic Book Guy. I owe all my success to you!
-Matt"
We finally see TV'S WIL WHEATON. Huge pectoral muscles.
Flat, washboard stomach. Amazingly quaffed hair.
He is hunched over a computer, staring at a certain
website.
Anne crosses to him, and drapes her arms around him, and
kisses his cheek.
ANNE
Hey, assmonkey. You know there's a
huge party happening on the estate,
and you haven't even come out all
day.
WIL
Yeah. I know.
ANNE
What are you doing all day?
WIL
I'm trying to come up with a funny,
self-referential, clever,
entertaining first post for
Killoggs.
ANNE
Why don't you just copy and entry
from one of your weblog entries?
WIL
Because that's lame. I gotta come
up with something really cool so I
can impress those guys. They're all
cooler than I am.
ANNE
Honey, you're lame. Just say "Hey!
Look! This is my first post! Whee!"
And come out to the party.
WIL
Naw, just give me some time, and
I'll think of something funny...I
just hope they get it.
START A SLOW PULLBACK
Anne stands up, and rubs Wil's shoulders.
ANNE
You'll think of something. You're a
lot cooler than people think.
Barry said at 10:53 AM 08-17-2001: Right on Super, Wil should be letting me interview him for my book, since he has all this free time. He needs to let it out.
Robert Berry [ url ] said at 10:43 PM 08-16-2001: Way to go, mang! And great work using the time tested "My wife is hotter than Jenna Jameson" swerve in case she reads this. Anyway, lots of un, I enjoyed it really really.
anotherben said at 12:08 PM 08-17-2001: well..do we get to make our own typing sounds? i imagine brandons typing to be at a modest clip, but maddeningly monotonous at the same time (tap.tap.tap.tap...) while mary is a flurry of key strokes in quick bursts (rat-a-tap-tap..ta-ta-ta-tap!..). brad i envision as a plodding, undelibrate typer (tap... ... .. tap ...) and kiche invokes the sound of a head crashing purposefully over and over into a keyboard (bang..bang..bang..).
brandon [email] said at 12:33 AM 08-17-2001: That was impressive. Is screenwriting a hobby or just one of many, many talents that flutters beneath your perfectly sculpted pectoral muscles?
wil [email] said at 1:23 AM 08-17-2001: Uhh, I've just re-read this, and I realize that in the Bouncer's dailogue, it should read:
You shouldn't have been SUCH a cock.
wil [email] said at 2:34 AM 08-17-2001: *sigh* I just read the whole thing again, and I noticed a few lame typos like that. And the thing is, some of them are rather innocuous, but they really change the meaning of what I was going for.
Dammit.
I still made a good first impression, though...right?
brad [email] said at 3:32 AM 08-17-2001: Wil, you're post was very entertaining. And me being the Killogg's mascot, you should take that as a huge compliment. Good preference on the Martini. Dry Martini's suck.
brad [email] said at 3:35 AM 08-17-2001: Wil, you're post was very entertaining. And me being the Killogg's mascot, you should take that as a huge compliment. Good preference on the Martini. Dry Martini's suck.
Just a hint, don't type your "screenplays" in shooting format, I.E. "START A SLOW PULLBACK," since most directors will not care what your camera directions are anyway. Just a hint.
mary [email] said at 8:12 AM 08-17-2001: Neil, I bet Mr. Wheaton would also appreciate it if you could could give him some acting hints too. Ever since he was a little kid, he's wanted to act in TV and movies.
I don't know if you are an aspiring screenwriter, but I just wanted to tell you not to put camera directions in your screenplays, as the director will totally ignore you wishes and shoot the film the way he/she wants to. As far as your comment, "There is one show on TV that I can count on to not suck.
Ever." Well..... I am a Mega Huge Simpsons fan, been watching since the Tracy Ullman show, and I wish they would just end the Simpsons. It has gone to heck, since the "Who shot Mr.Burns, Episode." Whereas it still is funnier than 90% of the stuff on T.V. it is nowhere as funny as it used to be. Mr.Show with Bob and David is the funniest show of All time, even better than Monty Python, but the Simpsons is the BEST show of all time.
josh said at 3:28 AM 08-18-2001: Actually, if it is a shooting script it's fine to do it. Also, it's fine to do it if you are planning on directing your own script. Since you probably won't have the problem of ignoring yourself. And TV scripts include much more camera direction.
I have read many scripts with camera direction. It's just a common mistake for beginners to to try and direct on the page, I think, so they encourage you not to do it at all. But in general, in any field, rules can be broken as long as you can pull it off.
Boudet said at 9:58 AM 08-17-2001: That was the first post that kept me on the edge of my seat all the way to the end. By the way anyone who has "Fletch" randomly playing at their house is cool...
Ben said at 7:12 AM 08-18-2001: You guys have taken this Wil Wheaton thing a little too far. Why don't you do guys something constructive, instead of impersonating Wil Wheaton.
Ben said at 8:56 AM 08-18-2001: You guys have taken this Ben Claassen thing a little too far. Why don't you do guys something constructive, instead of impersonating Ben Claassen.
mary said at 11:04 AM 08-18-2001: I like to impersonate Ben Claasan because he is a my hero. No one eats his own scabs like Ben does. I am going to create a new breakfast cereal, made entirely of dried scabs. Kids everywhere will want to eat it, so they can be like Ben.
Bendependent [email] said at 5:44 AM 08-19-2001: what the hell? who posted the above two posts? Don't post under my name, you bastard. I have the head. See. I am the real ben. Wil is really on killoggs. Post under my name again, and I'll beat you until you develop enough scabs to keep me fed for a week.
mary said at 10:58 AM 08-19-2001: Wasn't Neil impersonating Kiche a while back? Maybe he is having an identity crisis. He needs our help, not our hate ...
Jeff said at 3:11 PM 08-19-2001: Seriously though, why would anyone be that obsessed to learn everything about a tv series? What I want to know is who was sleeping with who off camera, who was the token alcoholic, who was caught with making with the same gender in the turbolift, etc. That's what people should be asking the insiders.
jeff [email] said at 8:36 PM 08-19-2001: Josh should set up a mini-head "dating tree" that shows who was involved with who. Maybe everyone will be linked to another in some way.
josh said at 11:01 PM 08-19-2001: Personally, I'm striving to make Killoggs an "ex-girlfriend free zone". It's easy since all my ex-girlfriends probably think Killoggs is really stupid and nerdy.
Rawley said at 9:43 PM 09-09-2001: That was sweet!! I thought Wil Wheaton was dead until I found this. :) He seems to be much cooler than I orginally took him for. Although he was my hero on Star Trek... I wanted to be just like him..but less geeky.
