Today marks my last day working at the McDonald's of coffee shops in downtown Oakland -- the only job thus far that's resulted in involuntary termination. Not that I was very happy working there anyway. I was going to quit as soon as I found something better, but they beat me to it. They fired me because I don't move fast enough and was often "not present," meaning mentally. I admit, I often have trouble focusing on the situation at hand. They were probably right to fire me. But I'm not very upset, and I'm actually beginning to take some comfort in this truth. Menial work with boring people and not-so-interesting customers -- even if I was able to stay focused and show some enthusiasm for such a thing, what would that say about myself? Of course my head is always in the clouds, because I'm not happy with my present situation, so I'm always daydreaming of something better. So when will I find something better? I honestly believe I'm getting much closer. I'm tired of working below my potential, only to be under-appreciated and under-paid. I like to believe that I lost that job because there's a part of myself that refuses to let someone of my intelligence and creativity submit to something so mechanical.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how severely out of touch I've been with my creativity, and it angers me. A couple of days ago, I sat and sketched in my sketchbook for an hour for the first time in quite some time, and I wondered why I ever stopped. My art (to use the term humbly) is one of the few things I'm completely at ease with. The things that have always brought me the most happiness have been the things that let me forget myself, and nothing allows me to do that better than my art. So I've decided to go through a serious reconstruction, and make my creativity a much more primary concern. I've decided to start promoting myself as a freelance illustrator. It will take a while to build an impressive portfolio, and even longer to build a considerable reputation, and probably much longer (if ever) to be absolutely self-employed on my work alone, but after some soul searching, this seems to be the way to go.
Some of you reading this are probably thinking, "Well, Brad changed his mind again. What's new? I wonder what it'll be next week..." But I assure you, this isn't just more fantasy. I'm now closer than ever to realizing my strengths and limitations and what it is that I really want out of life, and I'm simply making a decision as I best see fit based on that. You might be saying, "What about all the acting stuff you always post about? Are you just going to forget about it completely?" No, I'm still interested in acting -- I still get a lot of pleasure from it -- but more as a hobby now, and more as something I have more control over. I would much rather write, produce, direct, and act in my own productions or that of friends than subject myself to lots of cold, callous casting directors, week after week, only to face rejection, busting my ass with some boring, menial job, just to support that endeavor. If by some miracle I do end up a successful actor, that's great, but I'm not going to put myself through hell trying to make it happen when I know I'm better suited for something else.
By the way, while I'm on the subject of creativity, I've been itching to do another zine lately. I'll keep everyone posted on how that's coming along.
mary said at 1:56 AM 06-09-2001: Whoa. I also just got criticized for not being a completly automated corporate drone. This is causing me great distress. They have not fired me, but I think what they did was worse: They're basically letting me choose between unemployment and a complete negation of my personality.
mary said at 9:33 PM 06-09-2001: I'm still thinking. I'd like to see a couple of different things. Maybe some critical essays on labor, work, etc. (something that doesn't really get written about except maybe in the baffler). artistic commentary on work. maybe a blog where people could relate their corporate automatron horror stories, employer abuses, etc. Links to other stories about labor issues, with a forum for people to comment on them. Honestly, it's wide open at this point. e-mail me if you're interested in working on this with me and craig, and I will tell you work tales that will convince you that the problem is the corporate work environment itself, not just that you need a "better job."
B.C. [ url ] said at 3:17 AM 06-09-2001: I came across this website by accident while in search of some pictures to rip off the internet to use in my computer graphics class in which our assignment was to simulate a band and create a CD cover and history of our imaginary band. Who would have thought that i would return on a whim fueled by sheer boredom. Yes, I am a Killoggs virgin. I feel somewhat foolish cascading thoughts into a void, directed to no one in particular, but i'll get over it. I have just discovered a way to pass the time in my usual nightly battle to get to sleep. Ever notice how slowly time passes late at night when sleep won't come, and how quickly it goes when struggling to wake up? It's night time. I look at the clock and still have a good 6 hours before i have to wake up. The problem: I'm not alseep yet. It's like that Green Day song "Brain Stew". "..the clock is laughing in my face..." It's morning. I'm awakened by the little clicking noise my alarm clock makes just before going to radio in which the blaring of an Albertson's commercial yells something about how much i can save on the cantalope this week. "Albertson's..it's your store." Who actually makes a living singing jingles for cheesy radio ads? So I hit the Snooze button and during those sweet 9 minutes, fall into a deep sleep and dream about cantalope. After several rounds of the 9 min.-roll over-hit snooze-routine, i get irritated enough to drag myself out of bed, and only half-alive, begin my 2nd routine of the day: getting ready. The 9 minute intervals usually cause me to begin my day already running late. And here is where the mystery comes in. How is it that I glance at the clock once, go brush my teeth, return, and find that 10 minutes have passed? I glance at the clock again, change my clothes..7 more minutes. How does it happen? I know that it didn't take me 7 minutes to complete a simple, everyday procedure, and when it's early in the morning & you're running late, these minutes are precious. Fortunately, my clock is exactly 11 minutes fast. Unfortunately, I know that. In a sceme to fool myself into thinking that I'm later than I really am in order to actually make it on time to my appointments,I set my clock 11 minutes fast. Sadly, I can't make myself forget that I did this, and rely on the fact that, "I'm not really this late, my clock is just fast." I think that the only way I can function enough to operate my car that early in the morning is the slight adrenaline rush i get during that last glace at the clock before i leave that tells me how late I really am. The White Rabbit is my soul mate. I used to have a cup that said "I am not a morning person" on it. Well, Amen. I think that cup got left out in the backyard & got rained on & eventually my dog ate it. I heard a statistic on VH1 saying something about how 1 out of every 8 people who rush the stage at a show successfully make it onto the stage. Well, does that mean that if I try to get on stage 8 times, I'll be guaranteed to make it at least once? Someone try it & tell me if it was a success. I know I will this summer. But I suppose that a statistic like that (if i even remember it correctly) all depends on A) the size of the show and B) the type of music. For example, if it was a Kiss show in a large arena, the place would be so packed with security that you would have to swim through a sea of yellow before making it. Not to mention the energy and chaos of such a concert that would probably prevent most from even making it close enough to the security guards. If it was a small cafe with a stage featuring a Jewel wannabe chick with an acoustic guitar, I'm sure someone could just nonchalantly walk right on without one obstacle in front of them. Nonetheless, I am still curious. Try seeing a somewhat known band at a small venue and THEN see if you can make it on stage. Well, I think my analytical tangent is over for the night.
Brad said at 9:03 PM 06-09-2001: I know what you mean about the clock in the morning. I just find it especially difficult lately to get ready to go anywhere in a decent amount of time, no matter what time of day. There's hardly a time when I step out the door that I don't immediately remember something I forgot. I did this about 3 times just the other day.
Brad said at 8:55 PM 06-09-2001: Thanks for the encouragement, Josh. I really hope I see you this winter. I haven't seen you in over a year! Stay in touch.
