after a lengthy, bitter holdout, i have signed a new contract, negotiated by my high-profile agent. i will return to the rink where it all began, and return to my former glory. only now, i will be receiving $4 million a season, finally in line with the salaries of the other goaltenders of the league.

i am quite pleased about this, as i have missed getting pummeled with hard plastic objects and blunt wooden sticks. i missed yelling at people for taking shots after i'd covered the puck. i missed making kick-ass impossible saves and i even missed getting shelled sometimes. i have missed showing off massive bruises post game, and i have missed fighting with the assholes of the league [this means you, ginger]. and i missed my cool-as-hell teammates, and our after-game rituals of beer, nachos and wings. this is all so good. happy, happy.