4:48 am. been trying to draw comics all night. thinking bout girls. thinkin bout things.

yep.

i suppose i should fill you in on the news as of late...

art show went really well. van failed inspection and needs $1200 of work to pass it. buzz's funeral was very strange. made me realize how far from being immersed in an organized religion I am (not a bad thing as far as I'm concerned). kinda freaked me out actually.

they offered me a chance to do a weekly comic strip in the CityPaper, something I've been wanting to do for like 10 years now. But now that it's come down to it, I just don't know what to turn in. I'm supposed to turn in some samples by next week, so i'm sitting and pulling on my hairs and trying to draw some funny.

I need an editor.

The weird thing about everything I do is that once I've done it, it's done, and I can't really look back on it the same way ever again. This is especially true for comics. Things that were once funny to me aren't funny any more as soon as I'm done with them. Sometimes they're funny to other people when they first see them, and sometimes they aren't. Sometimes I look back at things years later and find them funny (possibly not even for the same reasons), and sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking...

I have tons of stuff though. I definitely have kept producing things for the last ten years. I really do a lot of stuff, I think. Sketchbooks, notebooks, napkins, portfolios, websites, cartoons, freelance work, paintings, killoggs posts, bins full of scraps of paper, and lots of stories running around my head. it takes a lot of energy to sort it all out and sift through the pile looking for the little bits of gold (if any).

I guess I should post some comic samples as I make them, so you guys can tell me how much they suck. I guess I'll start that tomorrow... I'm not sure how much I can get away with (especially not at first) with foul language and senseless violence and truly horrible subject matter, so I'm thinking I want to try to keep it simple so hopefully I can get my foot in the door and then go crazy from there.

i wish i had some water.

not sure if I'm going to go to summer camp this summer. I know I post this at this time every year, but I'm starting to think that it's not going to happen for once this year. I talked to the lady in charge of the LA camp tonight and she said that she preferred to only have one computer instructor (like I did last year). I told her that I preferred teaching with someone else, and that it's pretty hellish trying to do it myself and that I would have to think about it.

I have to think about it.

I have to think about a lot of things.

Things have certainly gone and gotten weird in the last couple months. Highest highs and lowest lows I've had in years. Not sure what to make of anything any more. I'm more confused about things than I think I've ever been. I usually know exactly what I want to do, eat, sleep, where I want to go, who I want to hang out with, what I want to fix, buy, draw, write, read, watch, paint. I'm everywhere at once.

Don't think I'm going to move to San Francisco like I was thinking a few months ago. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Then things went and got good here. Then bad and then really good and then pretty good and then awesome and then shitty.

I kinda miss the stagnation in a strange way. At least it was constant.

But not really.

Overall I'm much happier than I've been in years. Trying to keep myself busy. Surrounding myself with awesome people, and keeping my mind off of people that totally suck that were once awesome. I guess that's all you can do.

I talked to my ex-girlfriend from when I was 15 the other night for like 2 hours (the girl who randomly emailed me). It was really nice to talk to her. It made me realize a lot of things about myself. Like the fact that I block out all the bad, and only remember the good over time. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, but it's definitely something I do. She was apologizing to me about the way we broke up 10 years ago, and even when she told me the details of how it happened I had no recollection of it whatsoever. Very strange. I did remember lots of good times we had together though, and she filled me in on a lot of them I had forgotten about, which also made me realize that I'm an incredibly strange person and have apparently been so for years.

Got a message from my friend Emily in New York the other day who said she saw my name in the "Star Trek" section of Barnes and Noble. That made me chuckle. Taked to Luster tonight and he told me that he met a girl with a baby and they were talking about comics and she asked if he knew "Bendependent". Turns out it was this girl named Charis that I met in New Orleans at a comic convention who now has a kid and moved to Arizona and is friends with Luster and Amber now. That pretty much rules. She said that she met me cos me and my crazy girlfriend drove her around in a van all over New Orleans one night. And thus the circle gets smaller and smaller and the less I believe in coincidences.

my dad's coming up this weekend and staying for a week or two.

just shook my keyboard and a huge mound of dirt fell out of it. that was kinda fun. you should try it after you read this sentence...

our grass is 4 feet long.

I ordered a bunch of scooter parts. I met this guy that is obsessed with scooters, and he calls me a couple times a day (and night) to talk about all the millions of things I could possibly do to modify or fix or buy another scooter. it's kinda funny cos he started calling me pretty much when Buzz stopped.

yeah.

here comes the sun, as usual. may, 11th, 2004. i'm broke and i don't get paid for a week. sold some paintings, but only have one check and feel weird about cashing it before the person who gave it to me gets their painting.

I designed a logo the other day for this arts and crafts festival called "crafty bastards" that's destined to be a big deal in a couple months. I did it in a completely different style than I've done before. They didn't want it to look like the other stuff I've done, so I was happy that I managed to do a different style that everyone liked. It's kind of amazing when everyone seems to like something and agree on it. Getting multiple people to agree on a single project it one of the hardest things to do I think.

type type type.

Maybe I should give my brain a rest for the night. I doubt I'll be able to, but this is all I'm gonna write for now...

woot.