Today, I woke up a bit bleary-eyed and dressed myself for therapy. I don't have any problem talking about it. The diagnosis has been leaning to manic-depressive, currently known as bipolar. I think this morning was the clincher. I went in, clutching an full-sized print of an engagement photo and a folder with my graduate school application. And I took them out, showed my doctor and said, "I have these two things and I don't want to lose them. Can you please help me? Please?" And she did. In turn, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders as we discussed treatment options. No more week or month waits. I get another diagnostic from an independent psychiatrist on Tuesday. Too many cycles. I'm glad that I don't have to bear all of it anymore. I feel relieved. This confirms a long-running suspicion by many other physicians and mental health professionals. I hid from it because I am terrified of lithium. I was relieved to have someone say, "It's an option. But it is only one option of many."
After some internal struggle and consumption of various canned seafood stuffs, I got a call by someone very dear to me. I was able to laugh and crack wise about my situation. And I felt a bit better.
The dread set in, so I looked over my materials for the CLAST. I'm halfway through the studying process, I think. Wow. I still freeze up with fear when I start studying. I mean, failing a test that most 12th graders would ace is embarrassing, but it could happen. But I'm OK. I'm actually remembering this stuff and moving forward. I have the essay on Wednesday, the only part I haven't really studied for (Sunday-Tuesday will be more than ample). Then there's logic. But I think I can do this.
I plan on calling and e-mailing my potential references in the next five days, and completing even more paperwork.
Y'all have been extremely supportive here. The late night calls, the positive feedback...I can't thank you guys enough. Means the world to me, makes me feel less alone, makes me feel stronger in my purpose and resolve.
Have a great Labor Day Weekend. And Andy, please don't leave.
josh [email] said at 5:09 PM 08-29-2003: Yeah, good luck, Milky. I know you can beat your problems, you've beat other ones in the past. The fact that you realize your relationship and your education are important enough to face your problems means that you have the courage to overcome them, I think.
blue ardvark [ url ] said at 3:47 AM 09-04-2003: Jeff your aversion towards lithium carbonate is merited. Who needs daily bloodletting and renal failure? However, I don’t think you will be getting a chemical lobotomy anytime soon... there are several new treatments, two of which suit you perfectly. If I were prescribing for you, I would say Seroquel ramped dose one week to 25 mg, taken before bedtime, maintaining 25mg thereafter, to be taken in conjunction with Zoloft in the mornings. The only problem with seroquel, a new drug, is that it caused cataracts in two beagles during clinical testing. An alternative treatment, which will be recommended by your treating physician I am sure, but which is in my opinion overly prescribed because NOBODY strokes MDs quite like Eli Lilly, is zyprexa ramped over one week to 10 mg, taken before bedtime, in conjunction with paxil, zoloft, or prozac if your lows are L-O-W. The problem with zyprexa is severe weight gain.
Both treatments (seroquel and zyprexa) are effective for Type I, TypeII, Hypomania, mixed mania, etc... The all encompassing, "Manic Depression". Both are novel in that they come from antipsychotic classes of drugs that until recently were thought to deliver benefits to Schizophrenic patients exclusively. But you see, the holy grail of modern psychiatry is upon us again, the unified crazy theory, and all roads lead to serotonin and dopamine, the yin and yang of your mental/psyche archetypes. So don’t be freaked out if the MD says, "These drugs are frequently used for treatment of acute schizoid disorder, because, my friend, they are all just variations on a theme. Besides, you are a little schizoid. If your MD doesn’t see the indications he needs to read the post that will live in infamy. Yes, that one.
Alternatively, you can begin your journey to true enlightenment and empowerment by adopting the tenets of scientology without further delay. It has worked wonders for me, see aforementioned infamous post. Quiche and Brandon use it too, with obvious success.
I would tell you good luck but how cliché, besides, you wont need it. The level of self awareness and introspection demonstrated above says you are on firm footing, although you prolly feel like shit. You gonna be fine bro. Welcome to the monkey house. --Wade
Milk said at 8:44 AM 09-04-2003: As someone classified as Bipolar II, I'm aware of the treatments. Depakote, probably. It'll even things out. I have agitated/irritated depression, nothing schizoid. Having a degree in psychology has helped me differentiate the two. I don't hallucinate, I just have a short fuse when I'm down.
