Well, its been a while since I've been here. Where should I start. I'm am now officially divorced from my wife of 5 years (and girlfriend for 6 years before that). Its been a rough summer to say the least. But I've come to the point of acceptance for what has happened...the lying and sneeking, the fact she says she never really loved me while we were married, the fooling around with her co-worker, me completely remodeling a house onlynow to live in a 70's style 1 bedroom apartment (pedestal sinks really are a bitch), reading the divorce documents that were written up by my ex who is a lawyer (very harsh legal language, I was the defendant), the fact that my daughter will have to share time with each of us, the pools of alcohol, the pools of tears. She still is a good person, just not one I longer care to know in the present or the near future. I really wanted to do some crazy shit, blow up the dudes car, bang on his door, stick a rather large spikey object up his ass till it exploded out of his head. But I have a daughter and I didn't want to do anything to embarrass her or make the situation worse. So, I decided to write the ass a letter and I just wanted to share it with you guys.

24 May 2004

Jonathan,

As you may know by now, Amy and I are separating. You probably knew this before I did. Amy tells me that it really has nothing to do with you. She may believe this but I do not. I’m not exactly sure of the things you told her and what you actually did. All I do know now is that you in some part are responsible for the destruction of what is truly important to me, my family.

I find it hard to believe that you would have the nerve to do the things you did. At first I really did try to believe that you had no interest in my wife. I convinced myself that you were a good person and felt guilty for raising suspicions about your intentions. I invited you over to my house, for dinner, for parties, for a place for you to play your drums, all with the best of intentions. Whatever reasons you have conjured up in your mind to justify what you have done are just excuses for your own shortcomings and character flaws.

As far as I can tell, you have no regard for the hurt that you have inflicted on me. Amy is not only my wife, but is the mother of our child. We were a family, something that I treasured more than anything in the world. You must understand that marriage is not perfect, but we committed ourselves to each other and our daughter and through hard times we made it through. I can’t say I was always happy with my wife or that she was always happy with me, but we were happy. We loved each other, whether Amy admits it or not. Being “in” love comes and goes, but we made a commitment when we were married to accept and grow with each other. You have all but wiped out any chance of this.

The dissolving of our marriage might have come along without your influence. My wife’s infidelity, no matter how wrong it was, is forgivable because I truly love her. Your actions however are despicable and you know it. You seeked attention not only somebody else’s wife, but a five year old’s mother. It is truly a horrible and unforgivable act. You are now a part of my family’s history. You are now in some part responsible for the loss of innocence of my daughter. You are in some part responsible for taking away the one thing that truly matters to her, the idea that her parents are indestructible. You are in some way responsible for her future view on love, trust, and commitment. You are in some way responsible for any hurt she will feel about her parents being not together. For that you will never be forgiven.

I do not know if you have regrets for what you have done. In time, you will feel as horrible as I do right now. What am I going to do to you? Nothing. You have already done something that you will remember for the rest of your life. You have played an active part in destroying somebody else’s marriage and family, not to mention tainting your own future relationships, marriage, and family. You have to live with this forever. Why did you do this? What do you think the big payoff would be? Were you really being true to your feelings or was this just some distraction before you got married? Did you really think it was worth all the hurt you have caused our family? No matter what you say to yourself, know that nothing you think or do will hide the fact that you are weak and pitiful and your actions justify this observation.

Just remember that for as long as you live, whatever misfortune bestows your life, you deserve it. Know that whatever goes wrong and no matter how much you hurt, you deserve it. Know that when you get married and have a family, there are hundreds of scummy men that will want attention from your wife and you won’t be able to say you were not like that. All the insecurities about trust in your future relationships, you will know that you deserve it. Whenever you see a movie about infidelity, know that you are, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself, scum. A dark cloud will forever be over your head. You will get what you deserve, count on it. It is just a matter of time. And when it happens, think of me, think of my daughter, and think of my wife. God help your soul.

Don’t make matters worse. Anything you do now will just make things worst for everyone involved including yourself. Just leave my wife and family alone to pick up the pieces of the lives you have shattered. If you have any respect for us or yourself, you will stay the hell away. They mean everything to me and I’ll be damned if you hurt us anymore.

Michael

Reading it now makes me feel weird. At the time I really agreed with what was in the letter, but now I'm not so sure about the whole "high and mighty" tone I took. And now I know we weren't meant to last beyond our naive youth.

It only served to make me feel better. She divorced me (i didn't want to be the one who gave up, definitely a character flaw) and he left his fiance. Apparently they still talk but I just don't ask anymore. I guess they just deserve each other. And I wish both of them the best of luck now. At least I don't have to live with what they will have to. Im not most moral person, but Ive never done that. But all's fair I guess

With professional therapy (free from my place of employment), zoloft, xanax, lots of drinking, and friends, I have gotten better, I guess. Trying to do things I hadn't done in a long time. Going out of town to visit people I never had time for. Playing open mics around town. Talking to girls...and sometimes the even talk back. Keeping myself busy with school and working at a hospital.

Well I hope everyone is fine, I should go to bed,
mg