Man, I was in the Portland Sprint Store trying to change my number over
from a New Orleans area code and i was fucking around with the display
phones when it hit me - I had to shit so fucking bad that I nearly blew out
my jeans. I grabbed my girlfriend and tried to make it down to a coffeeshop
two blocks away, but I knew I couldn't possibly hold it in for such a long
distance. So i ducked into the Quizno's right next to the Sprint Store and
made a beeline straight for the unisex bathroom, dropped my pants, and in
the process of sitting down on the toilet seat, began to shit in mid-air. My
ass finally made contact with the porcelin bowl and was it fucking disgusting.
I've been eating a ton of cheese since i moved up here and had decided
earlier that day to drink a few cups of coffee to grease the wheels, you know?
So I continued to blow out the bathroom for a few minutes and then just
kinda sat there for a while, savoring my relief. I finally decided to wipe and
bent over with a wad of paper when I finally noticed the horror of my present
situation. My ass had exploded in mid-air with such ferocity that I had shat all
over the toilet seat, the back of the tank, the wall, the floor, the other wall, even
the little plastic thing that holds the scrub brush. It was like a Jackson Pollack
painting up in there. I proceeded to clean off my ass and then contemplated
leaving the sub shop real quick or cleaning up the mess. I still can't believe
that i did this, but i actually cleaned it up. Only the bowl though...I left the spray
all over the walls. The only reason I did this was because I was worried that there
was someone right behind me and that's a hell of a bluff to pull off. Of course,
there was no one behind me, so it was all in vain. Although my girlfriend was
really proud of me. I washed my hands too. Easily my best shit story since my
shortlived stint as the "Phantom Shitter" when I would shit in the urinal of the Saint
during Benji Lee from Supagroup's shifts. It was a hard maneuver since there was
no lock on the door. Now that's a real hard situation to worm your way out of.
I also upperdecked every toilet that i had to shit in from Philadelphia to Syracuse
when I was in twelfth grade.
Other than that, Portland is not so bad. I saw Das Oath the other night in
some shitty club called the food hole. They were fucking great. I am still
looking for Pig Champion but i can't find him. I don't think he gets out much.
I have also met three people that have smoked crack with King Louie. Also,
Judas Priest is playing on July fourth, but that's another post.
I got fired from a job already too - totally my fault. Oh yeah...
I also terrorized some guy the other night from that shitty band the Gossip.
I told hime the only reason that he was in such a shitty band was to hump
awkward college art school students. He completely agreed with me.
Then he agreed to play the sax during Sex Bomb in my Flipper / Fang
cover band project that I've been working on for a year, tentatively entitled
FLANG
or
FLAPPER.
Which do you prefer?
When in Portland, don't use the bathroom of the Quizno's
on 12th and Broadway.
boudet [email] said at 9:34 AM 05-16-2005: My ass had exploded in mid-air with such ferocity that I had shat all
over the toilet seat, the back of the tank, the wall, the floor, the other wall, even
the little plastic thing that holds the scrub brush. It was like a Jackson Pollack
painting up in there.
carla [email] said at 9:47 AM 05-16-2005: whatta story!
i'm always afraid this kind of thing is going to happen to me at work. i have a really sensitive stomach and it doesn't take much to set it off.
i'll think of this the next time i'm running to the toilet with an uncomfortable look on my face.
shauna [email] said at 11:56 AM 05-16-2005: this highly entertaining post brought back memories of paris.
allow me to explain a few things about france (ok, i was only there for two days). first, they have these public bathrooms from like the year 2085. they are green pods, and you put in a coin and the door slides open. inside, it is sort of like a huge airplane bathroom, with a sink and mirror and all. there are several weird things about this:
#1, you are taking a crap in the middle of a city street. it is a little hard to relax, to say the least.
#2 (haw), when you leave the bathroom, the door shuts, a light comes on, and superheated disinfectant is sprayed all over the inside of the pod like a carwash. in case you are mattgoon, i suppose.
#3 this spray thing does not even begin to cut the shit sprays and vomit and smears all over the walls. i mean, this is the middle of paris. so, what i was greeted by was, essentially, a pod of poop soup.
paris: ruined forever.
also, they have these crazy metal screens in parks, like half a phone booth, where you are supposed to just duck behind and do your biz. on the grass. in public.
woody [email] said at 1:44 PM 05-16-2005: This freaked me out when I was in London. Several people directed me to the middle of a crosswalk where I would find a restroom, and I must have walked by the pod 4 or 5 times before I clued in.
art said at 9:27 AM 07-06-2005: I was in Gothenburg, Sweden last month and had to pee real bad and found one of those pod thingies. The urinal side was free so I opened up the door and someone had shat in the urinal. So, I scammed 5 crowns off my wife and went to the pay shit side. In there was a bum or druggie passed out on the floor. What a bummer. If I had real nads I would have stepped over him and peed in the terlet. But I was afraid he would wake up and kill or molest me.
crystal [email] said at 4:34 PM 05-16-2005: I can't help but feel sorry for the person who gets paid minimum wage who had to clean this up! It already sucks to work at quiznos and then this! ouch. insult to injury.
kenrock [ url ] said at 5:51 AM 07-06-2005: FLAPPER is a cool name,,, and you have to play the track Destroy the handicap.. beacuse that one is great......
and to much coffe can make you spray paint the pants hahahaha
