I spent 4 hours today registering parents for elementary school,
mostly in spanish.
The first words out of my mouth each time:
"Desculpe me, pero mi español es muy malo,
Pero es posible que you puedo ayudarle."
I'm a smart person. Not being humble or arrogant,
but I'm a smart person.
So I can do pretty well at being respectful and encouraging,
and I successfully communicate despite not speaking spanish very well.
I'm told my accent is pretty good though.
I grope for words, smile and say sorry a lot,
purse my lips, furrow my brow,
and lurch through,
and the parents usually leave happy,
with their registrations complete.
I leave, enervated, with an abiding sense of mental defficiency.
What do you do, that takes a lot of smarts but leaves you feeling like you got none?
myriam [email] said at 1:15 AM 08-25-2005: Either... I always feel like a complete idiot while talking to them, because their lingo and way of talking make me feel really stupid and girly and inexperienced. I always leave the construction site wondering if I really understood what I *thought* I understood of their garbled questions. I have to answer questions constantly, that always seem to be of utmost importance, and hardly ever make any sense to me--I basically feel like a blind person groping my way through dark rooms of conversations all day long. Invariably I say "I'll check on that", and when I get back to the office usually I find out that I was about 75 or 80% correct, and I probably could have gone ahead and issued directives and answered questions instead of timidly asking my boss. So in the end I realize I'm smarter than I thought, and that it takes a ton of knowledge to make it through the gauntlet of the construction site, and yet I feel stupid out there all day long and have a hard time shaking that feeling.
amanda [email] said at 4:54 AM 08-24-2005: I usually try to actually care about my job, which is my main mistake. Working at the bar where all of the GB outcasts gather makes me feel like a psychiatrist, but without the helpful training aspect. Thus, I'm mostly left trying to give constructive advice to people who are alcohol-fueled and one inch above suicide. It mostly makes me feel terrible and useless, and messes with my non-work life quite a bit. I get tips, sometimes.
Oona said at 10:11 AM 08-24-2005: I read Tarot cards and Runes at the Rennaissance Festival. I AM a real, experienced, studied reader and numerologist and considered a 'psychic'. I prefer to think of myself as astute, life experienced, and maybe intuitive. I truly have a desire to help people, and want to give the very best and wish I was Amazingly Accurate. I always feel I fall short. I can't give names and numbers and dates, that's just not the kind of information that comes to me. I always feel like 'who the hell am I to tell these people these things'. I am always full of self doubt. When I see unpleasant things I never want to tell the people, which in a sense is withholding information and something I shouldn't do...but suppose it's wrong? I'd upset this person for nothing! I always say I am not going to work there anymore, it's too stressful, and it's exhausting to me. But they always talk me into coming back.
Oona said at 10:44 AM 08-25-2005: One time this girl came in for a reading. She was like a stone wall. I hate that, I need a little give and take. I laid the cards out for her and suddenly I felt like I was underwater drowning. Everything was blurry and timeless and the cards in front of me meant nothing. I looked up at her and said "I can't read for you". And she burst out crying. I told her it wasn't her fault, it was my fault, I just couldn't plug in and I took her too another reader. I felt terrible and went off to the pub and stayed there the rest of the day. Then I found out later from the other reader that the girl was having a life or death operation and had wanted to know the outcome...pulmonary problems. I realized I HAD had a very psychic response. But it's a Rennassaince Fair for cryin' out loud...it's supposed to be fun, don't bring life or death questions there.
jake [email] said at 2:44 PM 08-25-2005: I don't know how to type a long low whistle...
But yeah.
Maybe hearing the message "I can't tell you what will happen" and getting a good long cry was actually what she needed.
Sometimes I feel like this, I think, when a conversation with an acquaintance gets in to red flag territory, about abusive relationships or substances or that sort of thing. I might see signs that seem as clear as day...
The balance between speaking from what I'm seeing, without thrusting that on someone who's not asking for armchair analysis, takes a lot of energy.
shauna [email] said at 11:48 AM 08-24-2005: i'd say writing. nothing more simulatneously discouraging and motivating than working your ass off on a piece, getting it torn to shreds in edit, cursing your editor the whole re-write, then seeing your stuff in print--better, you must grudgingly admit, for the edit. and then you ask for more for some reason.
brad [email] said at 5:20 PM 08-24-2005: I feel stupid for some reason just about every day. I guess it mostly has to do with being only about half alert most of the time. I don't know what I need. More caffeine? Gingko? B-12?
amanda [email] said at 2:46 AM 08-25-2005: This is me at school. It always surprises my instructors when they receive my first paper or essay exam and realize that I am not a drooling idiot.
(Oh, shit. I have to wake up in 5 hours. Here we go again.)
