After living the life of a trust fund kid for about a month, I got a part time seasonal retail job because I'm too lazy to look for real work yet. Here is a verbatim excerpt (poor grammar and odd use of capitals and ampersands included) from my Official Employee Handbook:
G U E S T
How You Create the Experience
Here are some quick ideas on how to create the GUEST experience for each customer:
Greet & Engage the customer: Seek out customers who have not been helped. Smile & Say Hello.
Urgently Assess their Needs: Ask the customer why they visited us. Identify if they need custom service or can be shown to merchandise. Determine how much help they customer needs.
Exceed Expectations: Explain our services fully. Show customers our merchandise and discuss the features and benefits.
Suggestively Close: Assume the customer is going to buy. Offer to take merchandise to the counter. Offer natural add-ons to purchases.
Thank & Invite Back: Sincerely thank customer for visit and business. Encourage the customer to come back and see us again.
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I haven't started the job yet. I want to quit already.
cecil [email] said at 3:55 PM 12-05-2005: "Hello why did you visited us?"
"Ah, I have determined you need about 7 minutes of help. Thank you, let's begin!"
"Here, let me explain all of our services: 1. If you need a pencil to draw or write with, we sell pencils you can use to do that with. Pencils are great because you can sharpen them and they last a long time. The marks you make with a pencil are FULLY ERASABLE. They are not messy like pens and cannot permanently stain your clothes, simply wash your clothes with soap and water if you get a pencil mark on them. Pencils are made of wood. Wood comes from trees that grow in forests. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the pencils, ha-ha ha-ha!"
"I'll hold this pencil at the register for you while you look for other merchandise to buy. We also have paper to make marks on with your pencil, let me show you some! When you are done making pencil marks, you will need a pencil holder! Pencil holders also make great gifts!"
"You know, I've been thinking, and I just want you to know that personally, I am really greatful that you came to visit me and gave me the privilage of selling you things. I really really hope you come back and do it again, I would totally love that. Goodbye."
meredith [email] said at 4:11 PM 12-05-2005: When I first saw 'Suggestively Close' I read it as 'Suggestively CLOSSSSS' instead of 'Sugesstively CLOZZZ' and I thought it meant that you were supposed to be sexy while you were selling the art supplies.
non-killog's head said at 4:25 PM 12-05-2005: this is pretty basic retail operating procedure. if you don't like it, well, there's always that "real job" you mentioned.
meredith [email] said at 4:29 PM 12-05-2005: This is true, Cecil. Even more true is that all retail employees become jaded after a week and ignore these rules and laugh at them together behind the manager's back. That's the best part about retail. Other jaded employees.
cecil [email] said at 4:35 PM 12-05-2005: It's perfect really because I don't want to enjoy it, I want it to inspire me to get a better job. But first I want the framing discount.
meredith [email] said at 4:40 PM 12-05-2005: Actually that's what I did when I was 17 and worked at Old America Craft Store. I worked in the framing department, which meant I could frame my own shit and make out my own invoices. So I would just make it out to cost, and of course, I got my discount. I also had a friend at the register who would GROSSLY under-charge me and then give me my discount on top of that. I was SET for framed pictures when I left for college.
nkh said at 6:04 PM 12-05-2005: "It's perfect really because I don't want to enjoy it, I want it to inspire me to get a better job. But first I want the framing discount."
that should've been your disclaimer- otherwise it's just whining. it's also a much better comeback, although you did get me on the spelling error.
craig [email] said at 6:30 PM 12-05-2005: It's whining to make fun of some companies lame-ass training techiniques and/or attempts at controlling human behavior through horrible marketing techniques which come in the form of a vomitizing acronym?
nkh said at 7:53 PM 12-05-2005: no, i dislike the corporatespeak bullshit as much as anybody else; it's people complaining about retail jobs that bugs me.
craig [email] said at 4:40 PM 12-05-2005: I just love the de-humanizing effect of all corporate policies and procedures. That is why I have slowly become a joyless automaton.
cecil [email] said at 4:50 PM 12-05-2005: Thank you for responding to this killoggs post, your contribution IS appreciated! May I suggest some other posts you might find enjoyable?
