OK. So I wasn't going to post this, but I just can't help it. I just got an email from a girl I dated when I was 16 apologizing for the way she treated me when we broke up ten years ago.
In high school.
HI. i don't know if you remember me, but I went out with you a long time ago. My name is being held to keep my privacy. You are probably wondering how I got your email address. I used to go to Shim Sham for 80's glam night every thursday and I would always see a friend of yours there. I can't even remember the guy's name. Anyway about a year and a half ago I asked him how you were doing and he said you were very happy and gave me your email address. I had been wanting to contact you to apologize for years, but I wasn't sure if I should or how I should contact you. I don't know if this would even matter to you or not. I just wanted to say how sorry I was for being so horrible to you. You were such a nice guy and I really mistreated you. I am really sorry that I hurt you. I am sure I could try to justify it with some excuse, but the bottom line is that I was a total asshole. Anyway, I hope you are happy now and being treated the way you deserve. Take care.
I believe she was 14 or 15 when we went out. I probably only saw her in person a total of 5 or 6 times, and pretty much just talked to her on the phone every night til the sun came up... For an entire summer. I remember that summer pretty well. I would talk to her until I would fall asleep, sometimes with the phone still dangling from my neck. The most exciting part of my day was waiting for the mail to come so I could see if the records and zines and catalogs I had ordered had gotten there. I think she was the first girl I was totally infatuated with. I used to cut her name out everytime I would see it in print and kept a collection of them in my wallet. She was a wreck. She chain smoked and had an unbeatably wonderful bad attitude, but still managed to be completely adorable somehow.
Dude, she was pretty hot for a 14 year old.
We only hung out a few times, but I'm completely and totally cursed / blessed with good memory so I remember a lot of weird little details about our relationship. I also still have all of the letters and odd things we had made for each other that summer in a shoe box at home (so really I could probably recreate that entire time period and mindframe if I wanted to). She gave me back all of the letters I sent her when we broke up.
Actually, I still have just about everything I've ever owned that had some significance to me at some point. It's weird. I know Josh and Loren are the same way. We have kept absolutely everything. Things we just really had no reason whatsoever to keep. Which I guess is really why killoggs and underachievers exist when I think about it. I have a diary that I kept in 5th grade that I've been meaning to post all of the pages to. That thing is hilarious.
Hanging out with my young punk rock love was so fun. We would do bad things. I remember breaking into this house down her block once and eating all of their food and rearranging all their furniture. I remember the Asian kid who drove us around all night who said that I was real tall and that "he wished that I was weed" cos then he could roll me up in a bed sheet and smoke me (?). I remember when she overdosed on air conditioner freon. I remember sitting in Burger King with her once and watching her chain smoke with this entire family sitting in the booth behind her coughing their asses off trying to drop her a hint to stop smoking so close to them. She turned around and blew smoke into their faces and told them to fuck off.
She was so punk rock.
We both liked mentos. I believe I still have the picture of her mom sitting on the toilet somewhere.
Yeah...
I just don't know how to respond to this. Scott says I should ask her to marry me. I'm thinking it would be fun to dig up all those letters and whatnot and continue where we left off, bringing up details I just shouldn't know any more and writing in the same style I did when I was 16 (which is probably not that different from the way I write now... really not much is that different at all 10 years later).
I wonder if she'll read this. Maybe I should just send her this as my response. Maybe I should test the waters and see if she's nutso first.
Why would she send me this?
Here are all of the reasons I can come up with:
1) She really does still feel bad about how our relationship ended 10 years ago - perhaps she just saw that Eternal Sunshine movie and made a vow to do this with all of her ill ended relationships
2) Her therapist told her to do this.
3) She's completely and totally out of her mind.
yeah, this kicks ass. I don't care which one it is. This has been my favorite part of today.
Thanks, dude. Let's like be friends again and stuff.
cecil [email] said at 6:10 PM 04-14-2004: 4) Born-again Christian
5) Started a 12-step program
I recently had a dream about my 14-year-old girlfriend. And it's been nearly a YEAR since we broke up! Boy I tell ya, you may be through with the past but the past aint through with you.
Woody said at 6:25 PM 04-14-2004: I say freak her out. Don't tell her you still have the letters, but reference lots of riduculous miniscule facts about her. She will think you're the psycho.
I'm guessing it is reason #1. I have wanted to do that sort of thing, but I always figure the apology would be 99% to make me feel better, so I never do it.
kiche [email] said at 6:47 PM 04-14-2004: i agree with woody. write her back and act like not a whole lot of time has passed and try to emulate your writing style and thoughts from that time period.
Woody said at 7:05 PM 04-14-2004: Fuck you. I change my answer. Hunt her down and kill her. Then feast on her flesh. No wait, that's too Brandon. Just kill her.
marcia [email] said at 8:37 PM 04-14-2004: Maybe she just atched Flatliners.
not to get all soft, but i dunno, I would just leave it as it is. write her an email back, thank her, tell her what's up with you, and let it go. No drama, no bullshit, and don't fuck with her because she put her toe in the water.
It may be more of a gesture than something personal. And even if it is personal, don't be an asshole. Accept her apology and don't be a dick or play some weird, silly game with her.
there are a few peple in my life I have wanted to apologize to--in some cases i was able to.
There is something very cathartic about being able to apologize to someone, whether it was 5 years ago or 20.
There are two kids who to this day I want to apologize to. They were brothers and their father was an alcoholic and their mother left them all and they lived in a shitty house down the street from me.
I was in 4th grade and we were having a playground fight and I started throwing insults at them about their alcoholic dad and how their mother didn't love them and their father was a loser, etc. I said some really horrible things. They didn't even defend themselves after awhile--I think because of how absolutely mortified they were. I backed them into a corner and threw rocks at them while insulting them. I must have done this for like 20 minutes. The younger boy started crying and I left, satisfied. Their father called my mother immediately. She couldn't believe I would do something like that. I can't believe I did, either, but i was really mean kid, a real bully in some ways.
Anyway, I think it's cool she apologized. This may not even be about you. She may be feeling guilty about other stuff and she's just starting from the beginning. Who knows.
sonny [email] said at 2:34 AM 04-15-2004: I'm with Marcia (well except for me being a bully, that's Josh's job)
Started a 12-step program ??
Definately and if you have ever gone to a metting with a loved one you will want to forgive and move on don't get her addicted to you and get her rilled for a geographic cure that is wrong wrong wrong.
Be nice
be a friend.
If you wanna play with her mind.
You would make me very sad and I would have NO respect for you.
Now I feel bad about what I said about the Elf Lord.
cecil [email] said at 3:43 PM 04-15-2004: Not sure but I thought one of the 12 steps had to do with making amends with people you hurt in the past... What do I know. My 12 step program comes in a box for only $6.99 at Big Mac's Liquor.
marcia [email] said at 6:00 PM 04-15-2004: my mom is a recovering alcoholic and sadly, from the hundreds of AA meetings I went to as a kid, I do not know any of the 12 steps. here are the ones that pertain to what we're talking about:
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
reading these 12 steps makes AA look like a fucking cult. I had no idea how much "God" was thrown around. I understand now why many of my friends had no interest in being in AA. They need to update these 12 stpes of something and make it a bit more inclusive.
sonny [email] said at 6:38 PM 04-15-2004: In my experience usually "God"
was replaced with "Higher Power"
It could be a diety or what you recognize as a valued wntity Your inner self, nature, Ninja-power.
I don't know about down south but in MD and MA it's a little more non-denominational.
So AA is a little more updated.
But the fight club self help groups usually don't have hot jean pawning ladies like i thought.
loren [email] said at 9:04 PM 04-14-2004: My first girlfriend evar from like 6th grade called me last year on my cell phone while i was kitebuggying in Berkeley. It was incredibly freaky. She left me numerous messages after that, but i never called back... i just had nothing to say, and i'm too pussy to say "look, you creep me out i'd rather not talk to you."
rick [email] said at 9:15 PM 04-14-2004: Maybe she just watched "High Fidelity." A friend of mine did that; he had little success with it, I think. I must confess though it seems sad that people drift apart the way they do. Which I guess is one more reason to keep typing away on killoggs.com.
In a related vein, I saw a woman I knew in high school two weeks ago at a bar. Maybe it was because she was drunk ( or at least she seemed to be) but she was so much friendlier it seemed than when she was in high school.
Or maybe I am less paranoid and misanthropic. But that seems unlikely.
rick [email] said at 9:24 PM 04-14-2004: I guess . . . maybe people do change after high school or something. I guess that Vitamin C song is all wrong.
Bendependent [email] said at 11:10 PM 04-14-2004: So I wrote her back and said hello and gave her my number and she called me earlier tonight. It was really weird and kinda fun to talk to her. I was at Cricket's house though so I didn't say much to her. She's supposed to call back on Friday...
How very strange. Time to dig out that box of weird shit...
neal [email] said at 5:16 PM 04-15-2004: Ben, if you were weed would you smoke yourself? I would. I hope your answer would be "yes" too. I'd be Norther Lights or Blueberry. I'd be delicious! I would get higher than I've ever been.
myriam said at 6:28 PM 04-15-2004: the whole thing was only moderately weird until it turns out... she called you back ALREADY? and she's supposed to call AGAIN tomorrow?
as a girl i can say this smacks of one thing, and one thing only: disillusionment.
i bet you she recently broke up with an asshole and started mulling over all previous relationships, finally coming to the conclusion that you were the best, or one of the best, and that she was an idiot for "driving you away" and boy, i wonder what he's up to nowadays? maybe i'll just drop him a line. i've had his email for a few years now... funny how i'm just finally thinking of emailing him when i'm suddenly kinda lonely.
i think it's pretty natural and nothing to shy away from--but i'd be willing to bet this is what has been going on in her mind recently.
luster [email] said at 3:44 AM 04-16-2004: haha that reminds me of this one time i was obsessed with this girl and i accidentally dumped her and i changed my mind and wanted her back so i kept apologizing to her for like a yeer and then she finally sent me some nasty ass photos she posed in for some porn guy and then i didnt want her back anymore and i stopped apologizing. i just masturbated all the time to the photos. love is so stupid. its like total instinkt and it's not like some profound bullshit like everyone thinks it is. its all hardwired into our fuckin idiot brains and we all just want to keep our happy places happy. sometimes yoor happy place just depresses the hell out of you and u dont even want it anymore. you slap it around and call it names and maybe it makes u feel better for a little while, but the feeling never lasts and then u want to kill yourself again.
ed [email] said at 11:17 AM 04-16-2004: Although I do believe in love as the mystical experience, I also wholeheartedly agree that what we sometimes think is love turns out more like you have described. And described better than anyone else ever has. I agree with Ben. This is pure brilliance.
me said at 11:09 PM 04-17-2004: its the posts like this, that made me realize how easy it is to breakup with your present 'sex-partner'! and finding a new one...just write about your present situation and guide them to this site...really it works! THANK YOU KILLOGGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
