i probably will close the window and forget this whole thing when i'm done, but it feels so good to type about it as i think.

tonight i consummated my relationship with the fuselage, posting foolishly for and with people that don't care and might be idiots. i wonder if my little brother will read my posts, that would be something. he'd be embarrassed, i bet. he doesn't even know about killoggs.

speaking of family and killoggs, i spoke with my mother today. in the hours i spent with her in may in the hospital, while we watched my brother recover from kidney surgery, i lent her my copy of gene wolfe's "the fifth head of cerberus", and i couldn't be happier that i did so. it was way fucking better than watching her knit.

i guess its important to say that any book i ever really loved i borrowed from my mother (excepting "the book of the new sun", gene wolfe, given to me by a good friend on my birthday. mom will get that next, if josh ever finishes it). she has such an impressive collection of fantasy and sci-fi and ficton and mystery, anything she likes, i guess, often two books deep in the shelf (which can be so frustrating!), such a resource for a young person.

so, as i said, today we talked about it (cerberus), and our conversation was full of her trademark pauses and silences. it was a book that made you think long and full after the reading, she said. and i replied that that is what i enjoyed about the author. she noticed things about the book that i hadn't - genuine horrors of the colony glazed by wolfe's casual narrator. you have to read it again, i told her, i need to read it again!, essays have been written about this book!, and she had read up on it. she knew everything. i love my mother so much sometimes. she is really my great librarian.

in twelve hours i'll be at school again. i can barely be tired. i hope all of this takes me where i imagine myself. i kindof want to be someone else's librarian.